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Poking idiots in the eye since 2002
...it's mocktacular!
I hate to think what would happen if they hadn't taken the class... 
12th-Feb-2008 08:38 pm
I'm 22 and recently got my driving license.  One can get a license at 16 here, but home and work were close enough that I never bothered 'til now.

Given that I'd never been behind the wheel of a car before, I decided to take a few driving lessons...

The class involved me, the teacher, a lady older than me, and fourteen 16-year-olds.  The class was great, both in terms of the things they taught, and the entertainment value.

The entertainment value was better than the class.

On the first day, the teacher asked what we should do if we saw a red flashing light.  One kid puts up his hand and says we should stop, then proceed with caution.  Next, the teacher asks what we should do if there's a flashing amber light.  There is no answer.  I died a little bit inside, when a girl in the back put up her hand, and said in all seriousness, "Someone's been kidnapped and there's an Amber Alert?"

Please tell me you didn't just say that.  You did NOT just say that.  We're learning how to operate motor vehicles and you're confusing traffic signals with techniques for recovering missing children?  I'm going to name you Amber.  I think you'll need a name.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

The teacher told us it was illegal to drive with a blood-alcohol level of greater than .08.  A guy immediately raises his hand, and goes, "That's 80%, right?"

What I want to know, is if that's what you're used to, what do you usually drink, and more importantly, where is it legal to buy some?

It bothers me that she got THIS excited.

The teacher told us that we would later be having a lesson in how to avoid a head-on collision.  Amber's excitement level goes from 0-60 so fast it would put a Porsche to shame.  She goes, "Ooooooh!  Does that mean we get to go on the highway and drive in the wrong lane?"

Amber, I'm not sure which bothers me more.  The fact that you actually thought that was part of the lesson, or how excited you got thinking about it.

His answer didn't seem to phase the teacher at all.

She asked what we should do if a pedestrian stepped out into our path.  One kid said we should honk the horn.  The teacher then asked a further question: "What if the pedestrian is deaf?"  The kid goes, "Oh, we'd be able to tell that.  He'd be carrying a white cane."  The girl next to him goes, "That's blind." He gives her a look like SHE'S the dumb one and goes, "No, it's not!"

It took the girl sitting next to you, the guy behind you, and finally the teacher to convince you that people who are hard of hearing rarely carry white canes, because they can see perfectly well.  I have some advice for you.  Learn when to admit defeat.

This one made her raise an eyebrow.

The teacher talked about driving at night.  If there were no streetlights, she explained, one would have to rely on the car's headlights in order to see.  Thus, one should never drive so fast that the distance in which a hazard can be seen is less than the distance it takes to stop the car.  This is known as "overdriving your headlights."  White Cane Kid retorts scornfully, "How could you drive faster than the speed of light!?"

I have more advice for you.  When you're already at the bottom of the proverbial hole, stop digging.


Part way through the class, we were introduced to this acronym, which stands for "Where You Look Is Where You Go".  A full FIFTEEN MINUTES into the next unit, some kid JUMPS up and goes, "But...but...in that acronym...there's no S!"

No.  No, there's not.  See, now you're catching on!

The teacher decided to teach us a little bit about how a car operates.

She explained various parts of a car.  When she was done, a guy stood up and goes: "So...a drive belt...that's the same as a seatbelt, right?"

I had no idea what a drive belt was, so thank you, thank you very much, for your insight.  I actually thought we were talking about auto mechanics, but given that the picture she's showing is under the hood of the car, where the seatbelts are always found, yes, I'm sure you're completely accurate.

Even the concept of changing a tire was lost on Amber.

The teacher was talking about changing tires, and mentioned that one should tighten bolts in a star pattern when changing a tire.  Otherwise, one could strip the threads.  Amber, with her keen senses, immediately understood the whole point of the conversation, and, as if to offer a demonstration, volunteered to strip.

Amber, if there were some sort of record for getting the full, undivided attention of a room of 16-year-olds, the majority of whom were male, you would win that award.  That is all I can say about this one.
15th-Feb-2008 05:26 am (UTC)
Wow. That's some hardcore stupid.

15th-Feb-2008 05:41 am (UTC)
I hope Amber is wins a Darwin award in the future - and hopefully not take any intelligent person with her.
15th-Feb-2008 05:42 am (UTC)
Yeah, minus the 'is' and you'll get a proper sentence.
15th-Feb-2008 05:43 am (UTC)
....Please tell me that at the end of the class all of these stupids were rounded up and shot? Or at least made infertile? PLEASE.
15th-Feb-2008 05:45 am (UTC)
Better yet. Not allowed to put others drivers in danger.
15th-Feb-2008 05:43 am (UTC)
I can't type properly yet because I'm still rolling on the floor with tears of laughter streaming from eyes.

Entertainment value indeed!
15th-Feb-2008 05:52 am (UTC)
This is an awesome post. the end.
15th-Feb-2008 05:57 am (UTC)
This is incredibly accurate to my driving class. However, there were only three of us (my sister, some emo kid and I. I'm not even hating on emo he introduced himself with a "are you emo? it's cool if you are, cause i'm emo") so all of the stupid came from that one kid... and our teacher.

our teacher was hilarious. every story (specially the carbon monoxides ones) he told us ended with a "he died" he was like the father from freaks and geeks.

"one time, my friend was driving home on a long road trip. the children were asleep in the car and they went to get a drink from a convenience store. they left the children in the turned on car for twenty minutes. then they came back and drove home. when they got home they realized... (long pause) the children were dead." he always said they were dead the way Dr. Nick said hello on the simpsons.

"one time my friend had one glass of wine at a wedding. ONE GLASS. he drove home, parked in the garage but fell asleep in the car before he could turn off the engine. ONE GLASS. they found him the next morning. HE HAD DIED"

"So, how can you tell when the car is filling up with gas and you have carbon monoxide poisoning?"
"... your kids are dead?"

that was a lot longer than i thought it would be. driving class was lolz.
16th-Feb-2008 01:23 am (UTC)
I'm trying to get my license now. The kids in my class seemed to know about cars and driving rules, but they weren't very bright or focused. Once the instructor said something like, 'If a herd (?) of deer cross in front of your car, you need to slow down and be ready to brake, because more deer could follow, or the original deer could turn around and recross.' One kid then bursts out with 'Like old people!'
15th-Feb-2008 06:47 am (UTC)
Wow, a driving class... we certainly don't have that in Australia. It's up to your parents/driving instructor to get you going from the very beginning.

Having attended a Defensive Driving course recently, it's obvious they don't teach you nearly enough. For starters, it's one thing to talk about braking distances, but until you actually slam on that brake pedal for the first time...
15th-Feb-2008 07:47 am (UTC)
Yeah, I was just thinking... dude, all those questions you need to be able to have learnt the answers to in order to pass your learner test to even GET on the road.
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15th-Feb-2008 06:54 am (UTC)
There are no words. There are literally no words.
15th-Feb-2008 07:16 am (UTC)
See, this is why I won't drive,it's not me ,it's the others on the road.
15th-Feb-2008 08:28 am (UTC)
That's exactly what I say everytime I get on the road. 'Did none of you idiots LEARN HOW TO DRIVE?!'

At least I've stopped asking if they took Driver's Ed, since clearly there's very little of the 'ed' going on there...

As for the OP's classmates, I say they get sent to a closed off racetrack with cars for each and let Darwin take its course...
15th-Feb-2008 09:28 am (UTC)
one should tighten bolts in a star pattern when changing a tire. Otherwise, one could strip the threads.

No, one should tighten bolts in a star pattern to even out the forces and avoid warping the brake discs and possibly wheels.
15th-Feb-2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
But it could in theory strip the threads because of the warpage. (so I totally made that word up, but I like it so I am leaving it) And if the wheel is not put on evenly it could strip the threads by causing the bolts to thread improperly, I know being a small girl who isn't necessarily the strongest person in the world when I change a tire I have to rely on the pegs (for lack of a better word) to hold the wheel onto the car while I put on the bolts and until all of the bolts are on it usually hangs at an angel...
15th-Feb-2008 09:31 am (UTC)
15th-Feb-2008 10:35 am (UTC)
Despite only having one child, I have assisted in teaching four kids to drive. The first was a neighbor girl who was absolutely terrifying. She kept saying, in this perky little voice, "I'm a good driver!" That has become a catch phrase with the young lady I am taking for her test this morning. Whenever she does something stupid, she uses perky voice and says, "I'm a good driver!" and we both laugh about it.

Wish us luck later today.
15th-Feb-2008 11:07 am (UTC)
If you have to keep saying it you're probably not...
15th-Feb-2008 11:07 am (UTC)
I predict telephone poles and bridge abutments in their futures.

"Moooooom? Is it bad when the headlights are staring at each other?"
19th-Feb-2008 02:08 pm (UTC)
OMG you have Tanya in your icon! That's made of busty non-skinny smart duck win!
15th-Feb-2008 11:30 am (UTC)

I'll be here cowering under the bed.

15th-Feb-2008 01:05 pm (UTC)
Where are you so that I may be careful to never be on the roads (and possibly also the sidewalks) there?
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