December 12th, 2006

jumping bear

Stupid friend moment...

I just remembered one that happened two years ago that is priceless.

My friend, although I love her to death, can be so stupid at times that it makes me want to cry.

This story takes place when we were in 9th grade. She was unsure of how to use a tampon and asked me if I could help her out. That's not the stupid part --- it does take a while to get used to them, and I remember not being able to handle it until I was about 13. I gladly explained to her how it's done. I even drew a diagram for her.

Later on that day, I asked her if she got it to work.


"Yeah!" She told me, "and now I finally understand how sex works!"


"Um...are you kidding me?" I asked, hoping she would say yes. After all, not only had we been through sex ed in middle school, it's also required for your freshman year of high school.

"Nope." My friend responded.

"Wow..." was all I could manage to say.

"And now all that erotica I've been reading makes so much sense!"


*proceeds to slam head in desk drawer*
  • Current Music
    Bleed Like Me - Garbage
Snow White Powder

Fast.

This is a tale of my room mate's girlfriend. We'll call her C.

C is very...dumb. She has no common sense, cannot wrap her mind around the concept of a movie (that you watch to find out the ending, instead of knowing the story before hand and just...watching for no reason), and she's been very sheltered all her life.

We live in Georgia. I did not grow up here. I grew up in Oregon, so I'm not accustomed to some of the racial prejudices that still hang around the south today. This one, however, just blindsided me.

We were all sitting around watching the movie Coach Carter. She, of course, was asking a question every 30 seconds, about the end of the movie, who won, who dies...her current worry was, "OMG THEY WILL DROWN!"

We were watching the party scene, where the kids get invited to the house party, and some of them get in the pool. She was tense, curled up, saying, 'Does someone drown?? Seriously!' We reassure her that no one dies in this movie, and she says, 'Well, I had to ask, since they can't float.'

The rest of us look at her. I ask, 'Excuse me? They can't float? Who can't?'

She replies, 'They can't. The black people.'

We all stared at her.

She exclaims, 'I'm serious! Black people can't float!'

I couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. So I asked her to explain.

Apparently, while she was a lifeguard, she'd tried to teach two young black children how to swim. It's pretty common knowledge that fat floats better than bone and muscle. So when two very thin children of ANY skin color and very little body fat, decides to try to float? It will likely be very unsuccessful. She said they couldn't float, and ...well. Obvious deduction, yes? They're black. Thus: all black people are non-floaters.

Yes, we still give her shit.



In addition to this, she is studying to become an EMT. This is interesting, considering she's supremely ignorant to many things in life. She's admitted that she'll probably cry a lot. But she's okay with blood!

Vomit, though? Hell no. The other day, we had a conversation about her loathing for vomit (my infant spit up near her, on my fiancee, and she gagged and almost threw up). I reminded her that as an EMT, she will be dealing with things like vomit, feces, and the like...considering that many people in pain do throw up, and if she were to come across a bad accident or something, she might see someone who's lost control of their bowels. She refused to believe it, and then said, "That's alright, I can always take a break and go throw up, then come back."

YES OF COURSE YOU CAN!! The person lying there bleeding and dying and shitting themselves isn't going to mind if you take a small puke break at all, you stupid, stupid girl. They'll wait. Go ahead and just leave them there.

I cannot combat the stupidity for much longer.
savannah
  • jenny0

Something's missing...

I decided to browse the Museum's reference library while I was waiting for the coffee to brew this morning. I randomly pulled out 'The Vanderbilt Women', a book all about (surprise) the women of the Vanderbilt family (gazillionaire business tycoon/socialite/philanthropist family of the late 19th/early 20th century for anyone who doesn't know). Not the Vanderbilts in general, just the women. As I'm flipping through the first few pages I come across a family tree with this note at the bottom:

"Women omitted from this genealogy"
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Sweet Tart Hearts by shapeshifter12

(no subject)

I'm posting this for my boyfriend since I'm already a member.

Today as I was waiting for my science class to begin I overheard two girls in the back of the class talking. Neither one of them are the brightest crayon in the box, but this is a new level for anyone.
"Hey have you ever heard of a band 'Semper Fi'? I saw it on a bumper sticker today."
"Yeah...I think they're a rap group."
At this point I just kinda slowly turned around, as did another person in my class. He just looked at me and told me to take it away. It took a while for me to get the girls' attention; I finally had to yell, "Hey morons!" and when they were paying attention I told them "'Sepmer Fi, Semper Fidelis' is the marine core motto...you know, the Marines...the most elite fighting force in the world?" And this is when the girl looks at me and says condescendingly, "No...I am pretty sure it's a rap group."
So me being the person I am, get up and go to the computer in the front of the class and pull down the screen so I can prove these girls wrong. The whole time the girls tell me I am wasting my time. So as my professor walks in, she asks me what I am doing. After I explain what was going on she just told me to continue. After typing "Semper Fi" into google it became very obvious, even to these dumbasses, that they were wrong, and a girl who is normally very opinionated and loud during class was very quiet for the two hours. :)
pirate
  • alathia

Stupid encounter in the Target bathroom

My son is a little over a year and a half old (20 months). Keep that in mind while reading the story.

To start with, we had wacky insane weather yesterday, so between the time from the car to the store, my son and I got soaked. I took him to the bathroom where I was shaking the hail out of his clothes and talking to him like I normally do in Vietnamese. The bathroom is basically one long hallway (no separate lounge area). These two teenage girls walk in, look at me and my son, and then proceed to have this conversation:

Idiot Teenager #1: God, I can't believe the nerve of some people.
Idiot Teenager #2: I know, I can't believe she's bring her boy into the women's bathroom, can't he wait outside? Who does she think she is, she's so stupid! Can't she read this is the women's bathroom?
Idiot Teenager #1: Some people just think the rules just don't apply to them.

At this point and time I interrupt them and say:

Me: First of all, I can understand you. Second of all, you are both very rude. Third of all, who the hell leaves a child anywhere by themselves in this day and age of kidnapping?!

Idiot Teenager #2: Well, he looks old enough that he can wait outside. This is the *women's* restroom. You can't bring him in here, he's a boy! He could see us pee or something! You don't have the right. I know the manager!

At this point and time I'm finished cleaning up my son and we're bundling back up to leave the bathroom anyway.

Me: Fine. You know the manager. You're going to tell him what, you were threatened by a little boy? You need a big reality check.

And as I'm leaving, Idiot Teenager #2 was still blustering about "telling her friend the manager" on me. Idiot Teenager #1 didn't say anything after I started speaking (I'm hoping she may have been smarter than her friend). Surprise, surprise, no "manager" came to talk to me the whole time we were shopping at Target.

What the hell were they thinking?!? Yes, because my 20 month old son is such a threat and holy terror just because he's male I should leave him by himself while I'm in the women's restroom so he won't terrorize women who may or may not be in there. Some people stated I should have "gone to the manager" with them, but hey, my son was in a good mood and I didn't want to project their stupid feelings onto his good nature. We had a lovely rest of our trip, and didn't see Idiot Teenage Girls again.
love

various things...

I just discovered this community, and I love stories like these! Unfortunately, I'm often the subject of them... but anyway...

I have a friend who is very intelligent in school but can be pretty airhead-y sometimes. I'll call her Lily. Also, some of our friends have interesting diets- I'm vegan, and another friend doesn't eat wheat or other grains. So sometimes, she'll ask me if something is vegan, or if grain-free gal can eat it. And usually, it's something pretty obvious, like bread or cake for the wheat free girl. And she'll say, "that has wheat in it?" "Yes, Lily, it does...flour is from wheat."

But one of her best quotes was when we were having a gingerbread house making party. I had made the pieces for the actual house, but with leftover gingerbread was cutting out little shapes for cookies. I baked them while we were working on decorating the house and set them on a rack to cool. Lily came into the kitchen and saw them laid out, and asked,
"Did you do the thing you do to make them edible yet?"
Me: "You mean.... bake them??"

But this story was of my own doing... I tend to say the first thing that comes to my mind, and I am a blonde, so I can say rather dumb things. During a Euro history lesson, the teacher was talking about Henry VIII. And he pointed to a portrait on the wall of him, and said,
"Boy, what do you have put in those sleeves to get them that big?" (the most famous portrait of Henry VIII shows him in humongous sleeves)
and I exclaimed, "Babies!!"
One friend still won't let me live that down.
sarah records

(no subject)

So, my English teacher is telling us her favorite dead baby joke. (it's a long story)

The joke's basically "what is red and white and red and white?" and the answer's a dead baby in a blender.

So the girl in front of me, who's really sweet, just a little slow, turns around and asks me, "Wait... what's a blender?"
nyc bridge

(no subject)

I figured this one would be good for the holiday season.

My mother's a rabid ebay-er, and before I moved out on my own, she often sent me with one of my brothers to go get the packages she recieved at the post office.

It was mid-summer, and this is important. Sweltering heat and all that. I went with my brother Charlie (who was 16 at the time) to the post office, and we both came out with our arms fully loaded with packages. As we were loading them into my car, my brother came across a cardboard box that had Christmas decorations printed on it. It was a box that was originally used to ship a product during the holidays, and an ebayer recycled it to send my mother whatever goody it was she'd won.

My brother stops, points to the box, and says "Wow! That one traveled a long way! It must be all the way from China!!"
I looked at him, looked at the total lack of any Asian style writing on the box, and back at him. ". . .What makes you think that?"
He just looked at me like it should be obvious. "Um, it's on the other side of the world, so it's summer here, that means it's winter there. They're celebrating Christmas!"

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.
monkey
  • tzhebee

(no subject)

I was reminded of this stupid act while at lunch today.

It's fairly common knowledge (at least in my circle of friends/family) that when you eat something spicy you can dull the burning sensation with the use of a teaspoon of sugar. It's also common knowledge that those little pink or blue packets of sugar in a restaurant are about the equivalent of a teaspoon.

I was at some Mexican restaurant for dinner with my boyfriend, his brother and someone else. My boyfriend takes a bite of a chip with salsa and from the look on his face got a really spicy bit of salsa. His face went all red, eyes watering and he immediately starts guzzling his water. His brother tells him "dude, just use a packet of sugar on your tongue, it will kill the burn".

So what does my brilliant boyfriend do? Yup...he grabbed a packet of sugar and sat the *packet* on his tongue! He was pissed that it didn't work and we were all laughing too hard to explain that we didn't mean the literal packet, but more the contents inside it.