December 9th, 2006

GIR catsuit


For years I worked in a bar in the French Quarter of New Orleans where a walking tour meets twice nightly to get started, the tour's box office is in the back of the bar. Even though the bar has a completely different phone number than the box office, I would often get calls asking about the tour or wanting directions to the bar, not a big deal. Until one evening when I got this gem.

Me: "Hello, Flanagan's Pub."
Tourist: "Um, yes, hi. I'm taking your tour at 8, and I was wondering how to get to where you are."
Me: "Not a problem, I can give you directions, where are you right now?"
Tourist: "I'm standing in front of a house."
Me: *waiting for more detail*
T: "Hello?"
Me: "Um, yes?"
T: "So how do I get to you?"
Me: "Ah, well, where exactly are you right now?"
T: "I told you, I'm standing in front of a house. A pink* house."
Me: *trying not to laugh* "Where is this house, what's the address?"
T: *getting exasperated* "I don't know, it's a pink house."
Me: "Okay, you said that, what street are you on?"
T: "I told you, I DON'T know!!"
Me: *starting to crack* "Could you do me a favor and read the street signs on the corner for me?"
T: *with much attitude* "I can't see them from here, I'm in the middle of the block."
Me: *snicker* "Can you walk over to them and read them to me then?"
T: "No, what if I go the wrong way away from where you are?"
Me: "........... Uh, then you can turn around and walk back the half block?"
T: *oh so dramatic sigh* "Nevermind, since you keep refusing to help me I'll figure it out on my own." *click*
Me: *doubled over with laughter while my co-worker stares at me perplexed*

I still don't know if she ever made it to the tour, I doubt it because I'm pretty certain she would have given me attitude in person if she actually HAD figured it out on her own.

*There are a number of pink houses in New Orleans, it's a common color choice both in the Quarter and surrounding neighborhoods, just to be clear that it's not an anomaly there like it is in some places.

self mock.

A question I asked my sister.

(We're watching Last Call With Carson Daly- only because we're too lazy to turn the telly off after Conan. Carson has an animal "expert" on who is talking about Porcupines.)

Me: Was'nt Sonic the Hedgehog a porcupine?

Sister: 0_o

Me: *facepalm*

To my credit it was 2am.
fairy pic

(no subject)

I swear this is a case of brain-fart and not utter stupidity.

My coworker-becoming-friend was describing the dessert she's bringing to our Christmas party.

Coworker: It's a pound cake with a topping on the side made of pudding, whipped cream, and berries mixed together. It's great because I don't have to cook anything!

Me: *confused* *light bulb* Oh, so you buy the pound cake?

Coworker: Oh yes... why? Can you make pound cake??

Me: *searching for something snarky to say... failing* How do you think the bakery does it?

She immediately did a facepalm, and we giggled about it the rest of the day.


My boyfriend works at Subway and he told me what happened to him today:

There was a line to the door and he couldnt get to the phone when there was a call. The phone rang about 5 times in a row, and it seemed like it was the same person calling over and over. Finally he got to answer it:

Boyfriend: Thank you for calling Subway, how can I help you?
Woman: Hi, I have a quick question.
Boyfriend: Okay
Woman: Does the Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich have bacon on it?
Boyfriend: *blinks* yes, yes it does.
  • perpet

Oh, my boyfriend

Earlier today, while visiting my folks, their power blew out due to a transformer malfunction, and the following conversation occured:

ME: "Honey, before we go shopping, I have to use the bathroom."
HIM: "Oka-wait, will the toilet flush?"
ME: *boggles* "Darling, the *electricity* is out. The toilet runs on *water*."
HIM: "...oh."
PARENTS: Laughing hysterically.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

(no subject)

Okay, so my brother says he wants Photoshop so he can do some image editing. My parents say he should just use a less expensive program. My dad says he has one my brother can use. Then, my mom offers this gem:
Mom:Can't you just use Garage Band?
Brother: Do you mean [actual Mac photo editor whose name escapes me]
Mom: If you say so

I can't claim I never say anything stupid, though:
So, I was on a message board, and someone was [sarcastically] comparing the works of Van Gogh to Fra Bartolemeo, and saying how Van Gogh's paintings were so inferior due to their lack of realism. At that point, my brain supplies me with this gem:
"Well, I don't know if I agree with the whole lack of realism thing. The Mona Lisa was fairly good."
Chaco love

(no subject)

I'm in college, and live in a dorm. As I was in the kitchen just now, a girl from down the hall walked in, let's call her Julie. I asked her how she was doing, and this is the conversation that followed:

Julie: Well, I had to go to the hospital today.
Me: Oh, no! What for?
Julie: I got a cat scratch, and seeing as I'm allergic to lions, I figured I had better get it checked out.
Me: You're allergic to lions? How'd you figure that out?
Julie: See, I was flipping through my biology textbook, and it opened to a picture of a lion, and I started sneezing and my nose got all runny. That's how I know.
Me: Maybe you were just reacting to something else in the room? Dust or something?
Julie: No, it was definitely the lion, cause on the next page there was a picture of a turtle and nothing happened. But the hospital said I was fine, so I guess I'm not allergic to cats. Anyway, good night!

And she left.
Random - Cat Cartoon by Lol-comics

Saw thing...

A recent exchange I had with my younger brother, Eddie (who is not learning disabled in any way, and usually very intelligent) -

Eddie: Hey, how do you spell 'sure'?

Me: What? *realises he might mean that he's not certain whether to use 'sure' or 'shore'*. Wait - do you mean 'sure' as in 'sure thing' or 'shore' as in 'seashore'?

Eddie: I'm not stupid, I know there's two different kinds of 'sure' - I mean 'sure' as in 'sure thing'. How do you spell it?

Me: Are you fricking kidding me? You're thirteen years old - how do you think you spell it?

Eddie: Um, S.......A.......W?

Me: Oh my God - you realise I have to kill you now, right? You just spelt 'saw', which doesn't even have a 'sh' sound in it.

Eddie: Oh! Yeah. Duh. I meant, um, S.......U.......R

Me: *waits*

*gives him my best wtf-look*

*waits some more*

Eddie: *an eternity later* E! *pauses* Oh crap, am I dumb?

Yes, you are. Good luck with the rest of grade 7, kiddo.

ETA: Whoops, forgot to mention that we're Australian, so sure/shore sound identical to us. Sorry for the confusion.