November 12th, 2006

chicka cherry cola

*weeps internally*

I was watching NBC Nightly News the other day, and they had devoted a segment to Barack Obama. For those unaware, he is a biracial senator who may run for US President. The fun starts when my horribly racist father chimes, "Maybe I am prejudiced, but..."

Dad: What's his name? "Obama"? No, no. We're not gonna have no "Osama bin Obama" or whatever in the White House. Fuckin' Arabs. (Pronounced "AY-rabs," by the way.)
Me: Dad, he's not an Arab.
Dad: Whaddya mean? His name's Obama, isn't it?
Me: It's probably Swahili. His father was born in Kenya.
Dad: Oh, really? [imitates African tribal sounds] Well, all them Africans are Muslim.
Me: Barack Obama isn't. He's Christian.
Dad: Still, he should change his name. When you come to America, you get an American name.
Me: ...he was born in Hawaii.
Dad: That sure ain't no Hawaiian name! [pause] Fuckin' Muslims.
cute hat
  • opalcat

Why I reject things...

Most of the time when I reject posts, it's for not being funny. So you don't need to re-post your boring story with a snarky little comment about how I didn't "get" why it was stupid. I did. I just thought it was boring. K? Every little bit of dummery out there doesn't need to be posted here. Boring dumb isn't the same as hilariously stupid.

Late in the game edit to add: There *are* times when I don't get what's stupid about a post, and there are those of you out there who can attest to the fact that in those cases *I will say that in the reason for rejection*, and sometimes if the post is resubmitted with clarification, I will approve it.

(no subject)

I take service calls for a gas company in New Brunswick, Canada. To everyone on here from the US who may not be familiar with NB, it's like Maine. In face, it's right next to Maine.

Anyway...I talk to some stupid fucking people sometimes.


Me:Hi, this is Jordan, how can I help you?
Old Man:Yeah, I don't have any hot water, and my name is Doran H***, and I live at ***** Hennessy.
Me: Alright, I can certainly help you with that. What city do you live in, sir?
OM: HOLY SHIT HOW MANY CITIES ARE IN NEW BRUNSWICK?!?!?!
Me: Sir, we at (gas company) service many c-...
OM: Alrigh, alright, I live in Bathurst (under his breath "Christ")
Me: Ok, sir, and you say you don't have any hot water. Do you have any other working gas appliances?
OM: What city am I calling? Where are you?
Me: Fredericton (note: capitol of New Brunswick)
OM: HOLY SHIT HOW MANY CITIES ARE IN NEW BRUNSWICK?!
Me: Sir, we have gas piping and service all over Ne-..
OM: Alright, alright (literally said EXACTLY how he had previously said it)
Me: May I have the proper spelling of Hennessy? Is it one S or two S's at the end?
OM: You know, today, with computers, you can do all sorts of crazy things, and I'm just an old timer who doesn't know shit about shit, and it's all getting very annoying, with all your blips and bloops
Me: I just need the spelling, sir. Two S's?
OM: WELL THAT'S HOW I SPELL IT!
Me:... alright. May I have your phone number
OM: ### ####
Me: Well, we can certainly send someone out to help you-..
OM: Alright, thanks a lot, goodbye!
Me: Sir, I'm not done yet, please wait until I'm finished, I need a bit more information.
OM: What do I have to do, sign something to get someone out here to service the damn thing?
Me: Sir, it will only be a minute. Now, I have to advise you that if you do NOT have a (gas company) warranty or insurance plan, a service call could cost you $115.00 plus HST (our tax), please note that we cannot honour manufacturer warra-...
OM: WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?! My shower is hot, and then it goes cold, I pay you for this heater on my power bill
Me: Your power bill? Sir, is this a gas water heater?
OM: OF COURSE NOT!
Me: Sir, do you have gas service to your property?
OM: I have never had gas at this property, no.
Me: So, (just to confirm) you do NOT have service with (gas company) at all?
OM: The only time I have gas is in my stomach. (what? that's not even in joke format)

And then, I swear to god, he politely ended the call, because it was his fault he called the wrong place.

Christ, indeed.
thinking, cj, didn't get where I am

Scilly bureaucracy

(Taken from the current (10-23 November 2006) issue of Private Eye magazine. The Isles of Scilly are southwest of Great Britain, with a population of a little over 2100. Yes, it's pronounced the same as 'silly'.)

You have to feel sorry for the Isles of Scilly council. First it was named and shamed by the Fire Brigades Union's black and ethnic minority executive council for its "abysmal" shortage of ethnic minority staff. Protests by the Islands' fire chief that the ethnic representation on the Scilly fire brigade "accurately reflects the ethnic composition of the wider community" - ie zero - are unlikely to appease the zealous FBU. Now the council has been awarded nul points by the audit commission for failing to implement government initiatives to reduce the number of deaths on the roads. Council chiefs are now urgently addressing the problem of how to cut the carnage in a place where no one, ever, since the invention of the motor car, has been killed in a road accident.
Yuki Deaf Stupid

A Campfire to Remember

It was the last night of summer camp & my fellow counselors had a plan that would insure a memorable last campfire. The great idea: a campfire setup log cabin style with a fishing line tied to a nearby tree suspended over it. Threaded onto the fishing line was a roll of toilet paper soaked in kerosene. (As soon as I saw this, I decided standing back was a great idea.) According to the plan, they were going to light the toilet paper & let it slide down the line into the log cabin setup. They did a few non-lit test runs & everything seemed to work perfectly.

However, they didn't take one very little yet extremely important detail into account: fishing line melts very easily.

Their fantastic toilet paper fireball fell about a foot short of the intended destination & landed in a patch of grass. Thinking quick, a nearby counselor kicked the fireball into the wood.

Thankfully, the embers in the grass were quickly stomped out, buckets of water were readily available, & the children were away from the fire site.

Not tolerating intolerance is not tolerable

This past summer, I was taking a course abroad, and the group of American students I had traveled with was attending a lecture and discussion with a group of mostly slightly younger students from Canada. We started talking about how Northern Europeans often dodn't accept immigrants into their culture very well because they're afraid that they'll lose their culture or jobs to people from Eastern Europe, Asia and Africa, or for whatever other reasons. Some of the Americans were saying how it was unfortunate that they had to treat immigrants so poorly, and then one of the Canadian girls raised her hand and said, "I think that's just American intolerance of intolerance!"

Nobody knew what to say in response to that.

I guess Canadians are intolerant of American's intolerance of intolerance...or something like that.

(no subject)

Having just joined a new musical ensemble at my college, I went to the music department to pick up a key to the instrument closet. Unfortunately, whoever copied the keys couldn't spell:

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(In case you can't read it, "cello" is spelled "chello.")

On the bright side, it's the most amusing key I own.
cute hat
  • opalcat

Math is hard!

My mom told me this one. She was at a store, and they rang up her $14.95 purchases incorrectly at $19.95. The manager came over to fix it, and had to get out a calculator to figure out how much the refund was.