September 16th, 2006

(no subject)

So the following was said at a party tonight...

"There are some guys that you can just look at and KNOW they're jerks, like they give off a....scent, like this...asshole scent. When you smell it you just, THAT is an asshole...oh, wait a minute. "

Verbatim, and said in 100% seriousness.
Springfield Wednes
  • wednes

Like when you cook with the oven light!

I have this cat named JoJo, and he desperately wants something under my fridge (I don't know what, there's nothing under there). But every time someone opens the door he does his best to squirm his paw under there and doesn't leave until the door starts closing.

I was mentioning this to a visiting neighbor who said "Why don't you just let him dig around under there, he really seems to like it."

And I said "But that would be expensive," of course meanning that standing there with an open fridge door would waste a lot of electricity.

She says, "Why don't you just turn it off for a minute?" I think she must be joking. I had no idea you could turn a fridge off. I thought you just unplugged them. And what good would it do to turn it off for a few minutes?
No...she must be joking. I laugh.

She says "What? You just use that button on the front."

I'm totally confused and ask her to show me what button she refers to. Turns out, she thought that if you held your finger on the button that makes the light go out, that you've temporarily turned the fridge off and can therefore stand with the door open for as long as you like.

Needless to say, she was not invited to get her own soda.
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    Suzanne Vega: Freeze Tag
Mr Bojangles

(no subject)

I just bought a new diary for next year.
Since I was bored I decided to make my birthday pretty.
So I drew a big 28 and coloured it in, decorated with balloons etc.
Half an hour later, it was finished, a masterpiece.
I showed it to my housemate. She laughed.

My birthday masterpiece was done on 16th July.
My birthday is the 16th of August.
Manatee and Shark

(no subject)

I was at a bookstore today and saw Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl in the "Religious Fiction" section.

Edit: I'm not too sure if it was a joke because there was a neat stack of four copies, and it wasn't haphazardly shoved on the shelf (then again, perhaps a neat-freak joker was involved).
Also, I'm very sorry to say that I did not report this because I was busy punching myself for not having a camera with me. The next time I'm there, if I see the books in that section again, I'll definitely let them know. And if they are still in that section, you can bet that I'll take a photo of it before reporting 'em.
satchel

(no subject)

I work at a cookie store. In our back room, there is a set of two wire shelves above our mixer that hold all of the utensils needed for making dough. Because the mixer tends to kick up a lot of flour and cocoa, the shelves get very dirty, very quickly.

A few days ago, business was incredibly slow, so I was looking for things to do. I decided to thoroughly clean the shelves and everything on them, since it hadn't been done for a while. Since the bottom shelf was within my reach, I cleaned it first. I washed everything that had a layer of flour dust on it and wiped the shelves clean with a rag. Then I dried everything, put it back up, and stepped back to admire my handiwork.

Next, I grabbed the stepladder and started to clean off the top shelf.

... and then I got to clean everything on the bottom shelf again, because flour dust falls downward when you attack it with a rag.

At least I had time to kill, even if I ended up killing more time than I had intended.
happy pickle

(no subject)

Hello. This is my first mock but I've read about the stupidity here for some time. Here's the situation:

In class one day, we were talking about types of grain products. The conversation went to the cornmeal dish, polenta. One of the girls spoke up.

Girl: Isn't polenta the stuff that comes out of a woman when she gives birth?

The room goes silent. 

Me: You mean the placenta?

We don't let her live that one down.
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    amused amused
art. or something.
  • tomahto

AWESOME self mock!

when my roommate moved out of this apartment she took the only large saucepan we had. I didn't realize this until I wanted to make spaghetti yesterday. all I had was a small saucepan and a large pyrex baking pan. In a moment of absolute brilliance, I decided it would be a good idea to lay the spaghetti down in the baking pan and boil it on top of the stove that way. I think next time I'll just break the spaghetti in half and use the small pan. after about ten minutes I look over at my spaghetti boiling happily away and think to myself, "wait, can glass go on top of the sto-"

BOOM!



luckily I was about one foot away from the line of fire, and glass shrapnel was not embedded in my face. that was a hell of a mess to clean up, though.
NaNo10

Bewildered in Baltimore

On a trip in Baltimore for an anime convention *dork alert*, I got the strangest set of phone calls IN MY LIFE. Now this is part mock of the lady, and part mock of self for not turning my cell off after the first call.

Cut for extreme length.

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<lj-cut text="Call #3>Call #3: *same number on screen* M: I don't know him, stop calling me. Dude: Hello? M: *confused* Hello? D: What's your name? M: I'm not telling you. You're Jeff, right? D: Yeah. M: Can you please tell that crazy bitch of yours that I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE!? D: *muttering to W* I don't know her, and she doesn't know me. W: *in background* THEN WHAT'S HER NUMBER DOING ON YOUR PHONE? M: Tell her IT'S A WRONG NUMBER. Then tell her to stop stalking your cell phone memory. W: *now on phone* YOU KEEP ANSWERING THE PHONE, I'LL FIND YOU! *way to tell me how to you're going to find me* STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN BITCH! I'LL FUCK YOU UP YOU BLONDE HO!</lj-cut> I'm a brunette, not that it matters. I turned my phone off right after I hung up on her. Later that night, I find out she left me THREE hostile messages. Three months later, I got a message from Jeff saying he needed a babysitter for the night. AFTER ALL OF THAT, HE STILL HAD <B>MY</B> NUMBER WHEN HE KNEW IT WAS WRONG.
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    OK Go - A Million Ways