Before anybody asks anything:
I work at a tech support line for MSN users. Most our customers are reasonable people who genuinely need help. And then we get calls like this.
This is as true and accurate a transcription as memory will allow. It just shows how amazingly stupid people can get to be.
Me: Thank you for contacting MSN Technical support. My name is George and I'll be your support assistant. May I please have the telephone number associated with this account?
Customer: Yes, hello. I am calling because I can't get in the internet.
Me: Very well, we'll more than gladly help you with that. May I please have the phone number associated with this account?
Customer: Okay dear, I already told you, I can't get in the internet. I don't have a problem with my phone line, my phone line is fine. Will you help me with this problem?
Me: ... Okay, now before I can provide support for you, I need to pull up your information in the database. In order to do that...
Customer: *sigh* Fine, ok, my phone number is *** - ****.
Me: Thank you, could I please have the area code for that?
Customer: Listen, I don't know why you're so obsessed with my phone number. The phone is FINE. I'm USING it right now, to TALK to you. Can you hear me OK?
Me: ... Yes.
Customer: Good, I was starting to wonder because you don't seem to be LISTENING.
Me: I need the area code, ma'am.
Customer: AGH! Ok, it's ***.
Me: Thank you for that, ma'am, can I have one moment while I pull up your information here...
Customer: I thought you had already pulled it up. Listen, what's going on over there? I've been on hold for like FIVE MINUTES!
Me: It's... been a busy day today, ma'am, I apologize for the inconvenience. Okay, I have your account here. Could I please have your full name?
Customer: Listen, where are you guys located? Seattle or something?
Me: No, ma'am, we're actually located in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Customer: You're kidding me! My goodness!! Have you been there long?
Me: ... uh, Argentina?
Customer: Yes, what are you, volunteering?
Me: I live here.
Customer: How'd you get all the way over there?
Me: Ma'am, I...
Customer: You're american, aren't you?
Me: No, I'm not.
Customer: My goodness!! Well, you have very good English.
Me: Thank you.
Customer: The other day I called I got this tech support person who had a very heavy Indian accent... I couldn't understand a WORD of what was being said.
Me: Well, MSN does value diversity...
Customer: I'll say! And now I'm speaking with an Argentine. Well, I hope you understand me well, seeing how you're in another country and all...
Me: I'll do my best. Could I please have your full name, ma'am?
Customer: Why? This is Elsie. Why do you need my full name?
Me: For security reasons. Just to know I'm not giving your information away to somebody else...
Customer: What?! Why? Is somebody asking for my information? Who would want my information?
Me: Hypothetically speaking.
Customer: Now don't get all technical on me, I don't know any of your fancy computer terms.
Me: ... Okay, ma'am, I need your full name?
Customer: I'm Elsie.
Me: First and last name, please.
Customer: Elsie *******. Do you want my social security number as well!?
Me: No, that'll be fine. Thank you for that information, ma'am, is it okay if I call you Elsie?
Customer: Sure, go ahead.
Me: Elsie, could I please have the e-mail address this account is under?
Customer: OH, I've got it written down somewhere... hold on, let me see here... OK, it's *******@msn.com.
Me: Alrighty. Thank you for your patience while I gathered that information. May I please have a brief overview of the reason you're contacting MSN today?
Customer: ... But I already TOLD YOU! I can't get on the Internet!!
Me: ... Okay, could you be a little bit more specific?
Customer: Well, what do you wanna know?
Me: Well, first of all, are you using dialup?
Customer: The what?
Customer: ... I'm sorry, I don't speak Argentinean.
Me: Do you access the internet using the phone line?
Customer: No, I use the computer.
Me: ...Do you try signing in using the MSN butterfly?
Customer: The what?!
Me: The MSN Butterfly.
Customer: No, the computer, hun, the computer!!
Me: ... On your desktop, do you see an icon that says "MSN" with a little butterfly?
Customer: On my desktop? ... Let me check... No, no butterfly... why would there be a butterfly on my desktop anyway?
Me: Okay, let's go through Programs and search for the MSN software there...
Customer: I told you to stop it with the fancy computer words! I don't have the butterfly! If I had a butterfly, I would know, OK?!
Me: ... Alright. So is it safe to say you don't have the MSN softw-- program installed?
Customer: WAIT A MINUTE hold on here... I PAID for this thing, OK? You're telling me I don't have the MSN, but I paid for it, do you want me to give you my credit card number so you can check the billing information?!
Me: No, ma'am, that'll be fine. But if you don't see the MSN butterfly installed I can only assume you don't have the program installed and you're using a manual connection.
Customer: I'm not using a connection. I told you, I can't get in the internet!!! God, you foreign people.
Me: Okay, ma'am, so what I'm gonna do is assist you in the setting up of a manual connection for you to download the MSN Software with, is that okay?
Customer: Well, how are we gonna do that.
Me: First I would need you to get to Control Panel and look for Connection Settings...
Customer: I'm not leaving this house!
Me: No, Control Panel is in your computer.
Customer: ... Oh, you need me to be on the computer?
Me: ... Yes.
Customer: But I haven't even opened it yet.
Me: ... I'm sorry, what was that?
Customer: It's in the box.
Me: You haven't opened the box yet?!?
Customer: ... I'm gonna have to call you guys back later...