August 8th, 2006

Bingo the clowno

Ah, so this is how idiots can live with themselves,23599,20038887-421,00.html

"Came down the stairs one morning to find a strong smell of gas in the kitchen. I checked the burners on the stove and deduced the oven must have been the culprit. When I opened the oven I was left with very little doubt, so I lit a match just to make sure. It was the oven, all right, and when I explained to the nurse what had happened, she shook her head and murmured, "what an idiot".

When my son Johannes was in his teens, he defied my high regard for his intellect by poking a finger into the toaster to see if it was turned on. Out of the corner of my eye I caught him flying backwards through the air and slamming into the wall on the other side of the kitchen. For a moment I thought I'd lost my eldest son, but when he came to I realised he wasn't dead, he was just showing me that he, too, was capable of being an idiot."

What have we learned?
A. Stupid is genetic
B. Idiots really do think they're just as smart as everyone else, they just think they have occasional incidences of moronic behavior. Probably because they are too stupid to realize that it permeates every part of their lives.

So people, truly, if you're too dumb to correctly use electricity or gas, believe me, you're a moron, not just once in a while but all the damn time. Don't breed.
ballroom of memories

because it reminds them so much of home....

I work with a woman who I call Annoying Crazy Lady, or ACL for short. I could go on for hours about how she garnered that moniker, but that's not the point of this entry. For lo, though she is both annoying and crazy, she is also incredibly stupid.

To set the scene, about a month ago, I took a few days off of work so I could travel to a friend's wedding.

ACL: Where is the wedding that you're going to?
me: Iowa.
ACL: Oh, Iowa? Really? Iowa? I have friends that live in Iowa!
me: Oh.... *trying to get away*
ACL: So your friend is Vietnamese?
me: *wha?* No....
ACL: Oh. My friends are Vietnamese. I thought only Vietnamese people lived in Iowa.

This from the woman who sent her kids to Arizona for summer vacation. The same woman who spent two years thinking I was Chinese despite my blonde hair and obviously Scottish last name.

Needless to say, the bride's mother was not pleased when she was informed that the groom was not only not Jewish, but Vietnamese to boot....
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    hungry hungry

(no subject)

I work in a grocery store.
The other day, a lady came through my lane and paid with a credit card, and thus, had to sign the electronic signature pad.

For some reason, she couldn't get the thing to work, so she stood there shaking the electronic pen like she was trying to get ink to come out of it.

It was really all I could do to keep a straight face.
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    amused amused

(no subject)

So, I work in a Copy shop owned by a shipping company, and we have a Drill Press to drill holes in massive amounts of paper at once. Now, like a drill press used for wood, it has spinny drill bits that, well, give you holes. The drill bits for hole punching stuff are basically cylinders with the bottom part of it (you know, the part that actually does the drilling) sharpened all around.
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    devious devious

(no subject)

I've been in this community for ages, and decided it was my turn to start sharing. Today's gems are thanks to my brother, who has a knack for mock-worthy stuff. There's an entire Facebook group dedicated to his "special moments."

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South Park

x-posted to my journal

I work at Borders, the book store. On the front of our building is a big signs that says: Borders Books Music Movies. We have two signs  on our doors saying the same, and several on the windows. As you walk into the store, you are surrounded by books. A young man, probably 17 years old, walks into the store, past all the books and signs, to customer service.

Boy: "Hi, I'm here to pick up my senior photos."
Me:" Um...I'm sorry but we're a bookstore. This is Borders, we don't have photos. We have books on photography, but no actual photos."
Boy: "Oh, do you know where I can pick them up"
Me:"....Probably where you took the pictures. Do you remember where that is, because I can give you directions if you need"
Boy:"Yeah, I took them here. Are they in the back?"
Me: *headdesk*

Eventually, he figured out we didn't have them. The best part is, there's absolutely no photo studios within a 5 mile radius of the place. HE was thinking of a studio that was 20 miles down the freeway.

God bless tertiary institutions

For being, contrary to their supposed purpose, such havens of stupid.

The other day a smart looking, well dressed middle aged woman came up to my counter and asked where the "senate room" was.

Me: Umm...there isn't any senate room here.
Her: There must be, I have a meeting there at 11 o'clock.
Me: Maybe you mean the council chambers? They're upstairs.
Her: *getting somewhat abrupt* No, I was told the senate room.
Me: Who are you seeing? Maybe I could give them a call.
Her *very irate now* I don't know, I was just told the senate room at Murdoch University!
Me: This is Curtin University.
Her: This isn't Murdoch University?
Me: No.
Her: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah....pretty sure.
Her: Oh. Thankyou.

I'm just....gobsmacked. On her way in she must have driven and walked past god only knows how many signs saying "Curtin University." The really scary thing is she was probably on her way to a job interview for vice chancellor or something ^_^
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    giggly giggly
She dreams

(no subject)

There've been several MTS posts involving hospitals lately, so I thought I'd share one of my own. It's not nearly as tragic or lawsuit-inducing as some of the others that've been posted, but it was annoying for me at the time. ^__^

A couple weeks ago I was in the hospital having planned maxillofacial/reconstructive surgery on my jaw. I stayed at the hospital for three days after the surgery just to ensure everything was in proper, working order. Because my jaw and cheeks were so puffy and sore, I had these two gigantic ice packs that tied together at the top of my head and then hung over my face, one on each side. I woke up in the middle of the night to find that one of the ice packs had leaked, and my shoulder was soaking wet.

I pressed the button to call a nurse, and lo, she appeared.

Nurse: What can I do for you, hun?
Me: I need another ice pack. This one leaked.
Nurse: You want some more ice water?
Me: No, I want another ice pack.
Nurse: *picks up the ice pack* It's not all that melted...
Me: Yes, but it's leaky.
Nurse: *feeling the ice pack while wearing rubber gloves* I don't think it's leaking, hun, I think it's just cold from the ice.
Me: Except for the fact that my shoulder is soaking wet!
Nurse: Oh!

The Nurse took the ice pack away and came back a minute later with a cup of ice water for me, and acted all surprised when I pointed out that I wanted my ice pack back, kplzthxbai.

Eventually I got a new ice pack and a dry gown but honestly. I know my speech is somewhat obstructed since my jaw is wired shut, but was my request all that hard to understand??
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    "Radical" --The Ark
angelina jolie africa

Thought this was worth sharing.

Hello, I'm new here. I just joined today because I read through a lot of the posts, and seriously got a kick out of them. Anyway, my name is Tamar. I have something to share from last year's film class.

We were about to watch "Grapes of Wrath" and before the teacher started the movie, she was giving the class a brief plot outline. She mainly said that the story was about a family who moved to Cali and was suffering greatly from the Great Depression, etc.

Right before the movie started, a 15 year old girl (she was a sophmore) interrupted and said:
Her: "Wait wait wait, didn't the Great Depression happen because of the Titanic?!"
Teacher: (Silence)
Class: Laughter.
Her: "It was a serious question!"
Teacher: (Blushing) "No sweetie."

The teacher started the movie and didn't talk for the rest of class. That's how mortified she was.

There's a fifty/fifty chance you're an idiot.

Back in grade ten, when we were learning about probability in maths, I had a friend who refused to believe in it. "As far as I'm concerned," she said, "the chance of anything's fifty/fifty. Either it happens or it doesn't."

I tried to convince her, but she refused to realise that this was ridiculous. What if I had three different coloured balls, and you had to pick one without looking? Nope, fifty/fifty. Predictions based on trends and statistics? No, it's fifty/fifty. Just.. wah?

(no subject)

I was taking a trolley tour through Boston that had an extension that went through Cambridge to see MIT and Harvard when I overheard this conversation held by another family of tourists.
Mom: Is this the Cambridge Only trolley? Let's take it.
Dad: Why what's in Cambridge?
Mom: Colleges...and...(rummages through purse for brochure)
Dad: (nods knowingly). Oh. Cambridge University. Duh.

(no subject)

This mock comes to you courtesy of my technologically challenged mother. She's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
She just came to me and said she received an email from my cousin with birthdates listed in it, and you add your name to the list under your birthday. She said she tried to add her name to the list, but it wouldn't work. I said "just scroll down to where you want to put in your name, and type it in." She said "I tried that, it didn't work." I had an obviously confused look on my face, so she said "come here, let me show you."
I went with her to her computer and she showed me what she was doing.
She opened the email, scrolled down, and was trying to type in her name in the received email.
I laughed, clicked "reply", scrolled down to her birthday and put the cursor there, and then patted her on the head.

Edit: It seems I need to explain a couple of things. Firstly, this is not her first time using a computer, or using email. She has had numerous jobs where using the computer is a huge part of the job. Using a computer at work, she can handle. Using a computer at home is a whole other story.
Secondly, my patting her on the head is a joke. She knows this. I don't do it in a patronizing way, I do it to make her laugh, and she does laugh every time I do it. I guess the sense of humour we have in my family is very different than some of you, and from some of your comments, I have to say I'm very glad it is.
drawn by insidetheblue

(no subject)

My best friend's parents own a beer deli. I was sleeping over and we were sitting in the cashier area, helping out, when the following conversation ensued with a customer:

Friend: Hi, can I help you?
Customer: Hi, can I get a fruit punch, a lemonade, and uhh... fruit punch?
Friend: So you want two fruit punches and a lemonade?
Customer: No, no, I want ... a lemonade, a fruit punch, and a lemonade.
Friend: Two lemonades and a fruit punch?
Customer: No, can I get a lemonade, an iced tea, and a fruit punch?
Friend: One fruit punch, one lemonade, and one fruit punch?
Customer: No...
Friend's mom: Sir, you want one of each? One fruit punch, one lemonade, and one iced tea?
Customer: Yeah, yeah