June 9th, 2006

osaka

Stupid questions

From a Dear Abby column, June 9 2006

DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

How does anyone even think up this question, never mind send it to a column for millions of readers to see???
tattoo2

My dear sweet brother

This is relatively simple, but it had all of my family laughing... including my brother.

He was making some kind of box-noodle-dinner thing, and seemed to be confused by the instructions:

Him: "huh.."
Me: "What's wrong?"
Him: "Um, nothing. Well, okay... what's between three and five minutes? Is it 3:50 or 4:10?...... wait a minute!!"


Well, at least he caught it. (Sometimes it just doesn't click until you say it out loud.)
a rose by any other name

(no subject)

In one of the grade 11 chemistry classes, people were designing their own experiments. One bright girl stuck a mercury thermometer in fire, because she wanted the temperature of the flames. Can you imagine what happened?

Stupid coworkers.

Last night at work, I spent the better part of my shift trying to clean up the oil that overflowed all over the floor when we tried to drain the deep-fryer. The fault lies with the coworker who refilled the fryer without throwing out the old oil; however, this mock is dedicated to a second coworker, who attempted to clean up the three-foot-wide, one-inch-deep puddle of oil with paper towels.

(crossposted to my personal journal and coworkers_suck)
Us - 5 years

He will never live this down

My friend Joey (your basic tattooed, leather jacket, biker guy) used to have a mohawk, which he often wore down. One night I asked him how high his mohawk would go if he wore it up. Joey proceeds to pull some of his hair straight up to illustrate it's length, however, the hair was longer than his arm, so he was unable to reach the end of his hair, hence pulling it fully straight...so he stood on his tippy-toes in an attempt to get his hand just a little higher.

That was one of those occasions where I just stood and smiled at him until he realized exactly what he did.
  • Current Music
    tap tap tapping on the keyboard
photo // wtflolz

(no subject)

I just heard this on the radio in the car and I had to rush to my computer to type it all down!

DJ: Hi, you're caller number ten. Are you ready to play Now or Then?
Caller: Yes, I'm ready!
DJ: Okay, I'm going to give you a price and a year and then you tell me if the price is for "now" or for the other year I give you. That would be where the "then" comes into the game. *chuckle*
Caller: Okay!
DJ: A box of 300 Q-Tips. Price: $2.59. Year: 10 BC.
Caller: Oh, that would have to be then.
(my eyes bug out of my head and hit the windshield, then snap back into place)
DJ: *quickly stifles a laugh* Uhh, no, sorry. That would be a "now" price.
Caller: Oh.

The call ends.

DJ: Yeah, and I thought that would be an easy one, too.
Other DJ in the background: *laughing his guts out*
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
mer

(no subject)

Where have you been my entire senior year???

I went to an IB school, and we have two girls who are part of what we like to call the Pink Backpack Brigade (PBB). They are smart girls with noooo common sense. And hilarious. One we'll call: "Happy girl" because i don't think I've ever seen her not happy and the other we'll call "Whiner".

One of our teachers ("Mr. Calculus") often mocked these two.

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Jo Rowling

(no subject)

I work in a small shop, and today a customer came to the till with a sandwich that was on offer. There was a sticker on the sandwich which said "Any stickered sandwich + 330ml Coca Cola/diet Coke = FREE KitKat/KitKat Chunky!" Quite simple, no? The conversation went as follows:

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Two mocks for the price of one!

While reviewing basic color theory for an art exam:

Teacher: So what do you get when you mix red and yellow?
TehStoopid: Green!

TehStoopid then spent several minutes trying to convince everyone that he was right.

While trying to divide $5 between foxybanana and me:

Meh!: We can divide into five thirds!

As soon as I divide five dollars into five thirds I'll be rich.

Should you call 911 for cooking advice?

I'm a 911 operator. We get some interesting phone calls. Here's one:

ME: 911 do you have an emergency?
Dumb Guy:  I've got this chicken in my freezer and it's been in there a long time. [insert lengthly monologue about the origin of the chicken and theories on proper thawing and cooking.]
ME: okay.... sir, what exactly did you call me for?
DG: I'm really not sure how long it's been in there. Do you think it's safe to eat?
ME: Sir,  this is an emergency service. If you eat the chicken and get sick, or drop it on your foot, give us a call back. Other than that, I can't help you.

There are tons more... I"l try to remember them. I usually try to forget :)
  • Current Music
    SNL

Ummm....

(after a conversation about The Omen, which she also didn't know anything about.)

Me: You know what else was a good movie?
Jacqueline: What?
Me: Romeo + Juliet
Jacqueline: Is that another remake, Hannah?
Me: LEAVE THE HOUSE OCCASIONALLY, JACKIE!
Jacqueline: I never seen that movie.
Me: You do know the story of Romeo and Juliet, right?
Jacqueline: I go grocery shopping now and again
Tonya: me either not into shakespeare
Jacqueline: Not really, I do know Rapunzel though
Me: *facepalm*
Me: Sorry
Me: I just...I thought EVERYONE knew the story.
Me: Y'know...two kids meet & fall in love
Jacqueline: it's..a romance, right?
Me: Their parents are enemies
Jacqueline: Oh...
Me: Lots of killing and death
Tonya: Oh, I know the story done it in high school for english.
Jacqueline: an older movie?
Me: It wasn't originally a movie.
Jacqueline: ohhh...
Me: You know...Shakespeare?
Jacqueline: He's a bookwriter....?
Me: ...You don't know who Shakespeare is?
Jacqueline: he's not a bookwriter?
Jacqueline: we didn't do him in school
Me: He is *THE* playwright.
Tonya: he wrote plays.
Jacqueline: ohhh
Me: *pulls out my Shakespeare book*
Jacqueline: well i was close
Jacqueline: He's not very cute...
Me: Anyway, Romeo + Juliet is the Leonardo DiCaprio/Clare Danes version of his story
Me: Who CARES if he was CUTE? He was a GENIUS!


Seriously, there are people who DON'T know Shakespeare?

Edit: I understand that some people might take this as ignorance, but I was certain that if you made it past sixth grade (and these people did graduate from High School) you'd have to have encountered something by Shakespeare at least once--and not just in passing because he was cute!