June 2nd, 2006

October2009

Bipolar is so sexy if you're a chick....

I had this IM conversation with someone a while ago and posted it to a bipolar community where they recommended I post it here...


StupidGuy: so what do you do?
Whorishness: I'm on disability...
StupidGuy: Oh, sorry. What for?
Whorishness: I'm bipolar.
StupidGuy: you have sex with girls? thats cool
Whorishness: *Blinks repeatedly*
StupidGuy: but I dont get why your on disability for that
  • Current Mood
    weird weird
purple

(no subject)

High school is stupidity’s playground.

Overheard in my grade 10 English class. We were reading the play Julius Caesar by Shakespeare.

Teacher: So can everyone please take out their copy of Julius Caesar.
Student: Miss! Miss, I have a question.
Teacher: Sure, what is it?
Student: Were Shakespeare and Caesar friends?

This coming from the boy who insulted his identical twin’s mother for nearly a minute before he realized what he was doing. I think their brain cells were cut in half instead of doubled.

(no subject)

this is my first post here :)

this was a few years ago, a friend of mine went on exchange to america. this is a conversation she had with somebody from the school she went to over there:

american girl: so where are you from?

friend: im from australia

american girl: cool, what state's that in?

friend: erm..


do they actually teach geography in american schools anymore?
  • Current Mood
    cold cold
survive

This shouldn't surprise me...

I was reading through online communities when I came across a post in one of them. It was great, the person who posted it was trying to make fun of a cashier, but while doing so she made her self look like an illiterate ass because she could not take an additional 30 seconds to proof read for the most basic of spelling and grammer errors or even hit the “spell check” button before she posted. But the best part was when she started freaking out about everyone who pointed out her mistakes. She then continued to show her minimal knowledge of the English language by spurting off obscenities to compensate for her not being able to intelligently communicate her frustration.

Althouh, for me, the icing on cake was that she also managed to show that her mom was quite the pain in the ass as well, and gave real proof why “the customer is always right” is a bunch of shit. It’s obvious that the inability to communicate in a non-verbally abusive way was an inherited trait.

(hurry all, I left some spelling and grammar errors.. bonus points to those who find them!)
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Gallius

(no subject)

Man Leaves $28,000 on Restaurant Toilet
By Associated Press

VIENNA, Austria - A tax collector in the southern Austrian city of Graz accidentally left $28,000 in cash in a black attaché case he placed on top of a toilet in the men's room of a local restaurant Thursday, police said.

By the time he realized it was missing and went back, the cash was gone, authorities said.

As of Friday, no one had turned up with the money, prompting police in the city 120 miles south of Vienna to issue an appeal for its return.
------------------------------------------------------------------

How the f*ck does someone forget $28K in cash? It’s not like oh shit, I seemed to have misplaced the TV remote, hmm that’s peculiar. For more info on this guy check the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chode.

Uh yeah, you guys are going to see that money again… just as soon as I sprout wings out of my ass and fly around the room.
boo

(no subject)

So, I'm at the bank yesterday. This woman goes to the teller. First she gets all crabby over the fact that she has cash and it won't go into "today's" business. It's something like 4:30 in the afternoon. The day's business has long been cashed out, and we're into 02June's business. She claimed to have never heard of anything like that, and promptly got a 'tude. I'm surprised she didn't know as I thought it was common knowledge.

But, that's not the stupid. That was just plain crabby and poor manners/social skills.

Here's the stupid:

After she had given the cash to the teller for deposit, she wanted to know her balance. The teller wrote it down and gave it to her, informing her that it included the deposit she just made.

What does Ms. Crabby say? "WELL, how am I going to know what was in the account before this deposit??!!?"

*StiflesLaughter*

When this teller informs her that she should just subtract the cash deposit, Ms. Crabby asks "Simple subtraction?"

*headcounter*

Cue the teller and I looking at each other in disbelief with an extended look of **OMGHowStupidWasShe??*
random - this too shall passs

(no subject)

I was suddenly reminded of this charming moment between a dear friend and myself. She's significantly older than me, an ex-teacher (she's actually quite brilliant), and an absolutely awesome friend ... but she just has these moments that make me worry for her ...

This was around the holiday season about two years ago. We were in the midst of decorating the restaurant where we worked. In order to ease the process, my boss and I were in one of the side dining rooms as to not disturb any of the customers that were in the main dining room. We were putting together the old, falling-apart, fake Christmas tree (this thing was pathetic, clearly long past it's expiration date). The tree comes in 3 main pieces and then some excess branches and the top piece, the base of it was nailed to a large block on wheels (so we could just wheel it to it's proper place). The tree basically folds up for storage and you have to pull each of the branches out to fluff it out and make it look real (as real as possible). We each picked up one of the big lower pieces and started pulling the branches out to make it look as real as possible (but to no avail). So, my dear friend, who we'll call Sue, come prancing over to us eager to help.

Sue: Can I help you guys out?
Boss and I: *Eagerly* Sure!
Sue: Awesome. *Picks up top piece of the tree*
Boss: Just start pulling those branches out so it fills out as much as possible.
Sue: OK! *Starts pulling down branches* *Smells the piece of fake tree* *Looks confused*
Me: What are you doing?
Sue: It doesn't smell like a tree.
Boss and I: *Exchange glances*
Me: ... It's not a tree ...
Sue: But it's a Christmas tree ... *genuinely confused* ... shouldn't it smell like pine?
Me: Honey ... it's fake.
Sue: *Still holding the PIECE OF THE FAKE TREE* Really?
Boss and I: *Facetree*

Gotta love her. We still quiz her on whether or not various trees are real or fake. Poor thing.
[lust] Danger starts a sharp encline.

(no subject)

There's a girl in my class who is a real phenomenon. I can only hope her womb is as barren as her mind, because I dread the thought of her spreading her genes.

She's the one who was amazed to discover, earlier this year in History, that Napoleon and Bonaparte are, in fact, the same person. I can't recall whether I posted about that.

There are many other gems from her. Here are the three that my frazzled brain did not repress.

In January, our History teacher (who recovered speedily from the shock of her Napoleon discovery) regaled us with the tale of how his wife gave birth over Christmas and burst her intestine during labor.

"That's nothing," said Napoleon Girl. "When my mother gave birth, her vagina stretched."

Later on, during History of Science, we were establishing the basic differences between living creatures and non-living things like rocks, etc. When asked whether water was a living creature, Napoleon Girl answered, "Water can't be alive because it's not made of atoms."

And during a Phys. Ed. lecture on healthy eating, she declared that North American calories are different from European calories. I asked her why the hell she thought that and she said, "Well, because of gravity, duh!"

There's no hope for her, is there?
  • Current Mood
    bitchy bitchy
o rly?

"Cop Drove Nude To Protect Leather Car Seats"

After a day of boating and swimming in the summer, Edison police officer Ioannis Mpletsakis said he drove in the nude so he wouldn't ruin the leather seats in his BMW.

[...]

Mpletsakis, 26, took the stand in a trial where he is accused of assault by auto, because a passenger of a truck was injured; hindering apprehension and leaving the scene of an accident.

[...]

Mpletsakis said his decision to drive naked was influenced by a love he had for the metallic green BMW, which he said he cared for meticulously.


Full article here.
brainfart

(no subject)

My little sister is a real winner; sometimes I wonder if that time I dropped her on the head really did something.

Today, my mom called to tell my sister, H, to locate her Bible and bring it to her. We're looking all over the place and suddenly we both realize we don't know what the Bible actually looks like. So H calls her up and asks which Bible it is, and I hear:

"So... hardback is... the floppy stuff, right? Not the hard stuff? No, I really do think hardback means the floppy stuff. Are you sure?"

It took my mom fifteen minutes to convince her that no, hardback was the 'hard' stuff.

If the door don't open ...

My local shopping complex closes at 5pm on Saturdays. There are signs stating that. The shops inside have their doors closed, lights off, it's obviously empty. Borders has one door open - the door that leads outside - and they stay open till 9 (but you can't walk through them into the shopping centre). There are four sets of sliding doors to get into teh shopping centre (closed after 5).

Simple enough, right?

I was waiting at a coffee shop for an hour and a half, watching the shopping centre and the fools who can't see the obvious.

Most people walked up to one set of sliding doors. They wouldn't open. So they walk to a SECOND (just in case they'll do it). No luck. They PUSH on the doors (as if that'll work). Most will give up, and walk away looking confused. Last night however, I got lucky.

One couple walked INTO the sliding doors. Then giggled. Pushed on them. Walked to a second. Pushed. Walked to the third and still no luck. They looked a little irritated. Looked inside the shopping centre. Finally walked away, still looking annoyed.

Another couple tried two sets of doors, then proceeded to walk into Borders and try to get into the shopping centre that way.

Another duo tried to sets of doors, and stood around looking confused for two minutes. Not unusual. My interest was more on a trio across the road (near me) who were watching them and giggling. Because, not 30 seconds after the duo walked away, the trio went to the the exact same doors and attempted the exact same thing with the exact same results ... and then they looked confused!


I always get the urge to stand up and yell, "No matter how many doors you walk to, it won't open! Read the sign! The shops closed three hours ago!" ... but I doubt it'll do any good (and what will I do for amusement then?!)
o hai mark

I'm all about cool names, but....

You know how some kids have their names embroidered on their backpacks? My friend saw a kid last week with the name "Shithead" on his bag. He was like, "WTF? Who names their kid Shithead and gets away with it???"

Then the kid's mom calls out to him (I'll spell his name phonetically), "Shi-thee-ad! Shithead! Get over here!"

I almost died. I wonder if the lady named him that knowing that people would get the wrong idea. Can you imagine his teachers on the first day of school? "Shi- wait a minute, I can't say that out loud...."
  • Current Music
    Sufjan Stevens
normal family

(no subject)

My husband was entering birthdays and anniversaries into a calender on the computer last night. He started this convo.


Hubby: I think my mom's b-day is on christmas this year.
me: really, dang it, wait isn't your mom's birthday the 22nd of december.
Hubby: yeah.
me: um, babe christmas is always on the 25th of December.
Hubby: Are you sure
Me: yes, I'm sure about this.
Hubby: oh wait it's thanksgiving that changes every year.
Me: yes, that's right
Hubby: I thought christmas was on the last sunday in December.
Me: well considering christmas is December 25th and December 25th is not the same day of the week every year that would be impossible.
Hubby: ok, I'll take your word for it.

You know he is a smart guy really and with the fact that his b-day is nov 25 and his b-day has been known to land on Thanksgiving you would think he would remember this but no. LMAO
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

(no subject)

So...I was conversing with a coworker of mine the other day, and he was describing to me this friend of his who decided she wanted to join the US Marines. Why?

Because she likes the uniforms, and she thinks it's a great way to meet men.

Ooooh Kaaay.

But wait! It gets better!

One day when she was at some party or other, she decided to demonstrate just how tough she was by leaping out of a second story window - and breaking both her legs.

Well, Stumpy, there goes your potential military career!