May 23rd, 2006

ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD

(no subject)

My dad isn't a very fast person, though I'm sure he's not the first idiot to do this:

Dad: those new bacon snacks you bought taste weird.
Mom: ........what bacon snacks?
Dad: the ones on with the yellow package on the counter.
Mom: you mean the DOG TREATS!?
Dad: WHAT!?! They should make it more obvious that it's for dogs!

Um.....

There's a dog in the cover!
me

(no subject)

1. Udders

I started dating my hubby on his first trip to the US. Back then his English was, well, less than perfect. I was having a painful period, and Stephan, not one to shy away from female problems, asked what was wrong. Painful uterine cramps, I explained. A while later he asked, 'How are your... udders?' FYI, laughing helps cramps! :)

2. Jorge

The first episode of 'Wildboyz' (with Steve-O and Chris from 'Jackass') included a fake seal named Jorge. When the episode was given German subtitles for MTV Germany, this name was just too much for the translators to handle.

Now, I would left it as Jorge; it's not hard to recognize in context that it's a name. If the MTV audience really is that dense, though, a translation to 'Georg' would have been appropriate. What did the translators do? They called the thing 'Hurenhund.' Whore's Dog.

3. Dream Catchers

Dream catchers are pretty popular in Germany, but I don’t think people have the slightest clue what they’re about. I keep seeing them hanging from rearview mirrors in cars.

Tales from TechSupport.....

I was working tech support a few summers ago when we had the massive blackout and had the "pleasure" of having the following conversation with a man from New Jersey. He had power, his local cable office didn't. Since our centre is on a generator we didn't lose power and none of even knew there was a blackout at this point in time.

Me: Standard greting
Him: My cable's broken.
Me: Sorry to hear that. This is the Internet help-desk though so if you'll hold for one moment I can send you through to your local cable office and they can help you out.
Him: I already talked to them, they said it's because they don't have power. I called the police too.
Me: You called the police?
Him: Yeah to confirm that there was a power outage. They said there was.
Me: Oh, well nothing to be done then. I'm afraid you'll be out of service until power is restored.
Him: Well, that's unacceptable. I want this fixed now.

And so it began. We basically went in circles for a good ten minutes. Him telling me that he wanted me to fix it, me explaining that a) I'm the INTERNET help-desk, I have nothing to do with cable service and b) nothing can be fixed until his local office (Bergen, NJ) has power again. By this time it's past time for me to have left and I'm more than a little frustrated and bitchy (generator power means no air conditioning and it's August). So I decide to change tactics and appeal to his sense of logic.

Him: I'm telling you, I want this fixed NOW.
Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but this is something that has to be fixed by the power company.
Him: (Snotty tone)I know that.
Me: And you know that I don't work for the power company, correct?
Him: Yes.
Me: So you realize that I can't fix power lines?
Him: Yes I realize that. I'm saying that I want you to fix this.
Me: You want me to fix the power?
Him: (completely exasperated by this point) YES!
Me: *headdesk* followed by quickly disconnecting the call. I just couldn't bring myself to continue.
halfhead

(no subject)



uptown in NYC, for a few blocks(probably other places too but i've only seen it in this one area) they posted these signs to keep dogs away. Then after at least 15 of them were posted someone realized there should NOT be an apostrophe in "dogs" and tried to scribble it out with a sharpie. spell check?
cameo bunny

(no subject)

Courtesy of joecifur:

THE HAT STORY
This weekend I tried to buy a hat on eBay. It was an awesome hat. It was an awesome hat. It was the perfect hat, and the starting bid was only $8. A brand new Stetson fedora can retail for up to $100 if it's a nice custom. I think I would have paid, oh, $40 tops for this one.

Just like always, some guy started outbidding me dollar by dollar in the last few minutes of the auction. I went in to one-up his $18 bid with one of $20.01, but my fat hammy ham hands failed me. I typed $20,01. Do you know what that means in eBay automatic bidding language? $2,001..

Shortly after having a heart attack, I remembered it was all going to be okay: I could still cancel the bid. You know, except for the fact that the auction had closed.

This is the awesome part: the other guy outbid me.He outbid my bogus typo bid. For $2,026. For a hat. For one .. used .. hat. Don't believe me? Look at the bid history: http://offer.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewBids&item=8285383604

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

(no subject)

Overheard:

"HEY Look, they have another Spider-Man movie coming out!" - Said person was pointing at a SUPERMAN Returns movie, which yes - Has Superman on it, and has 'Superman returns' written on it.

'Wow, Guess Christopher Reeve has gotten better' - yes, about the same poster.


And at work the other day:

Ijit: "Why can't you let my kid have a piece of dough?"
Me: "It's raw, and it's against the health codes."
Ijit: "Go on honey, reach in and grab a nibble."
Me: OH NO YOU DON'T BITCH! "Ma'am, Dough will make your child sick, and if your child touches the dough, we'll have to toss the entire batch."
Ijit: "Oh my son eats cookie dough all the time."
Me: Uhhhh, I was using that dough to roll Pretzels, and you were watching me. "Ma'am, this is Pretzel dough." Which does not magically turn into cookie dough at your whim.
Ijit: "EW! That's nasty, com'on honey, let's go to OJ with the nice people."
(Honey is her kid, doubt it's the kid's name)
  • Current Music
    Queen - We will rock you

(no subject)

I work for a natural gas distribution utility up here in Canada. A big one. That's all you need to know, really.

First week on the job, I get this...

*beep (call starts)*

Me: Hi, this is Jordan, how can I help you?
Customer(cx): Is this (company name) gas?
Me: Yes, you've reached (company name) Gas Distribution, how can I help you?
Cx: I'm having a problem, I can't get channels 13, or 15... they're all static-y
Me: (taken aback, obviously) Uhh..well, ma'am, you know you've reached the gas company, and we don't deal with the cable
Cx: Well, who does?
Me: You'd have to contact your local cable company.
Cx: Well, I thought that's who I was talking to.
Me: Ma'am, you're tv is not 'powered' by natural gas, nor are your channels.
Cx: Well, what DO you do?
Me: We are responsable for getting gas to your gas meter, and where it goes from there, be it furnace, water heater, fireplace, or something like that, is up to you. But it only provides heat.

At that point, it was like I helped her have an epiphane, or something. Hoooooooly crap. Pretty entertaining for my first week, though.
  • Current Mood
    surprised surprised
peacefully ever after

(no subject)

This is from years and years ago. My dad was doing some "family bonding" and telling stories. When he shared this gem, I knew y'all would enjoy it.

A long time ago, my dad solved a computer problem for the very large corp he works for. It was a company-wide problem, and it earned him the title of computer-guru. The funny part was that him solving it was a fluke, and he really didn't know all that much about computers. Cut to him having a computer crisis of his own, so he called *very large corp's* help desk.

Dad: Hi, I'm Joe Smith. My computer is *insert problem here.*

They went through all the standard things, none worked. Dad requested that the help request be escalated. This particular employee was very by-the-book,Collapse )

X-posted by popular demand from bad_service
Futurama Holophoner

(no subject)

Just a quickie.

My mom just started playing The Sims. We were talking about it and she confessed to me that she had problems playing the game. Why? Because she couldn't understand what they were saying.*


*For those of you who don't play, the characters in the game speak Simmish, a completely made up language.

Stupidity seems to rule England

I went to Nando's today with a friend. After looking at various napkins with "NanDO be Portugese [reason]" and "NanDON'T be British [Same principle]. My mate and I had the following conversation:

Mate: Wouldn't it be class if they had a dancefloor with authentic spanish dancers in the middle? Doing the Tango [air plays castanets]
Me: ... ok? You do realise that people doing the Tango don't play castanets?
Mate: No? Oh well. Still this is a proper authentic Mexican restaurant, hey?
Me: No, it's Portugese.
Mate: Nah, proper Mexican!
Me: [Proving it with napkins and the menu] Look, Portugese!

Later in the day, trying to prove a point, I ask my other mate via MSN who's a Nando's regular what nationality it is.

Me: I'm pissing myself laughing here but; What nationality is Nando's?
Mate 2: Italian, everybody knows that!
Me: You taking the piss?
Mate 2: No :s


FFS!

Pop goes my posting virginity!

(no subject)

I was waiting in the theater lobby over by the video games today. Every machine mentions the use of using game tokens. It's all over the place, and there's even a machine that exchanges dollars, credit, etc for them nearby.

I see a guy walking away from one game, slightly annoyed.

"It won't take my quarters!"
on ne sais jamais

(no subject)

A couple weeks ago I was on a Boeing 737 airplane, flown by Delta, reading the little safety-information card. It was done completely in little illustrations, preseumably so the average (illiterate) person could comprehend it. One set of illustrations (translated into actual words) went something like this:
In case of a crash on land: When exiting the plane, remove high-heeled shoes. Do not bring luggage or personal items. Do not exit if you see fire, water, or wreckage outside the plane.
In case of a crash in water: When exiting the plane, remove all shoes. Do not bring luggage or personal items. Do not exit if you see fire, water, or wreckage outside the plane.

...Guess there's no hurry to get those shoes off...

(no subject)

Two from today...

I was eating my lunch outside, downtown, and saw the girl next to me eating as well. She finished her sandwich and picked up her bottle of diet coke. She looked at it, turned it upside-down and then shook it for about 15 seconds. Then, without waiting, she opened it. It exploded. And she looked so confused. Welcome to the world of carbonation!

Two, I was at the mall and right now, in the center, they have a small exhibition of various reptiles, mainly as a distraction for the children who are dragged shopping by mom. A child, who couldn't have been younger than 9, I would have said 1o, ran up to a cage, pointing and looking very excited...he yelled out "Mom! Come quick! This snake has eyes! So cool! MOM! Look! This snake has eyes!

Hmmm...snakes with eyes. I betcha that's the next big thing...

Guh?

Ok, the reason I was doing a google image search on "pig" is because of a stupid joke with a friend of mine, but that's beside the point.

Collapse )

*blinks* That's one funny-looking lion...

Not only, but the image itself is also named "lion pig.jpg":
http://home.tiscali.be/joke1/Neap4/lion%20pig.jpg

this is the page where the image is displayed; it's Belgian and presumably made by a French-speaking Belgian... but still. Lion = lion in French and tiger = tigre. Not all that difficult, surely?

EDIT: I checked the site, incidentally the webmaster is Flemish-speaking; but I'll refer to this comment for more information.