May 22nd, 2006

Firebird

(no subject)

Hi, I'm new here - I give you a couple of things said by my friend (I won't name her in case she reads this) who is blonde in hair and mind.
1) We were talking about polo, and she said 'Is that the game with the horses, or do I mean crochet?'
2) 'What would it be like if you lived through burning to death?'

We love her, but oh, dear...
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    chipper chipper
bumblebee :: closeup

Just... no

Okay, my housemate, bless her heart, has more than her fair share of blonde moments. She's a lovely girl, but... God. She seems to mis-place her brain sometimes.

-----

Tonight

Housemate: When can we get a new cover for my phone?
Boyfriend: This week.
Housemate: Where from? What shop?
Boyfriend: I'm getting one, over the internet. I'm getting one from eBay.
Housemate: What website? What website?
Me: o_O
Boyfriend: ... One on eBay.

Later on the same evening

We're watching a TV programme, and a coloured man drops his trousers.

Housemate: OH MY GOD!
Me: What?
Housemate: It's black!
Me: What is?
Housemate: His penis! It's black!
Me: ...

-----

Shortly after I moved in, she was looking through some of my photographs. She pauses on one of the countryside.

Housemate: What's that?
Me: o_O ... Thats a field.
Housemate: *points at screen* No, that.
Me: ... A tree.

Stupid thing is, she lives in the countryside.

There are many more, but I can't remember them at the moment.

EDIT: My use of the word "coloured" is not intended to be racist. I was simply trying to be polite and not over-use the word "black". To be honest, I had no idea that one word would cause so much trouble. Had I known, I wouldn't have bothered posting.
  • Current Music
    Big Brother
my eyes!

sadly there are many more where these came from ...

When I was at school I worked part-time in a delicatessen in a small English village. Such specialist food shops can be hard to find and it was often visited by people from several miles outside the village in a last-ditch attempt to find what they were looking for. I was expected to know all the obscure items which we stocked and I was told to always ask for a description of the item if I had not heard of it, in case I knew it by a different name. I was good at my job but there's no accounting for the stupidity of others.

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Customer: Excuse me, do you sell Porcini mushrooms?
Me: *fetches a bag of dried mushrooms* Here you are. Porcini is actually the Italian name for the type of mushroom, we stock a French brand but I assure you that these are exactly the same as Porcini mushrooms.
Customer: Oh no, these aren't the right ones. This bag says Cèpe on it.
Me: Yes, Cèpe is the French word for the type of mushroom, Porcini is the Italian word for the same type of mushroom.
Customer: Never mind, I really needed Porcini mushrooms. *leaves shop*
Me: *blinks*

This happened on countless occasions and usually the 'Cèpe = Porcini' dialogue would repeat several times before the customer was satisfied or decided to give up!

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This only happened once and I believe it involves a more concentrated brand of stupid!

Customer (after perusing the oil shelf): Do you sell peanut oil?
Me: Yes, we do. Here you are.
Customer: But that says groundnut oil.
Me (indicating the picture of peanuts on the label): Groundnut is simply another name for a peanut.
Customer: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. See, there is even a picture of peanuts on the label. I have family in Canada and I have actually heard them refer to peanuts as groundnuts. They are definitely the same thing.
Customer: I'm not sure. I think I'll leave it.
Me: *stifles the desire to scream BUT I AM SURE!!!* OK, sorry I couldn't help you more.

It makes me wonder how she would have responded if I had told her, out of interest, that a peanut isn't even a nut. I suspect there would have been a brain explosion/implosion of some sort!

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Customer: Do you sell vanilla beans?
Me: Yes. *fetches the jar of vanilla pods* Well, we sell vanilla pods but you just need to cut down the length of it and scrape out the middle.
Customer: OK, will that work the same?
Me: *boggles* Erm...the same as what?
Customer: The same as using vanilla beans?
Me: The beans are inside the pod.
Customer (evidently familiar with the inside of a vanilla pod): Yes but the recipe asked for vanilla beans.
Me: Well, the beans are inside ... Yes, yes it'll work just as well. *facepalm*

I think she wanted there to be something called a vanilla bean which was about the size of a haricot bean or something. Who knows?!
clue by four

(no subject)

My stepdaughter gave me this litte gem yesterday.

SD - How long do you think it will take them to develop my photo's after I drop them off?
Me - Oh I don't know, it depends on where you are taking them?
SD - 1 Hour Photo
Me - ?????
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    chipper chipper

Oh airports

Overheard by a friend of mine at  a local airline check-in counter at the airport:

Airline official: Could I see your passport and ID please?

Stupid lady hands over a beat-up passport and what looks like a library card.

Airline official: Okay, listen, I'm sorry but a passport that's been expired for 15 years and a library card are NOT going to get you on this flight.

Stupid lady: What?!? Those prove who I am!

Sheesh.
shady as fuck
  • bex

(no subject)

First post here - I've skulked around for a long time, but I saw something this weekend that was too good to pass up.

This was an official, government-ish type sign on a fence surrounding a vacant lot. Note: not some handpainted thing that one of the neighbors put up, but a real street sign. It read:

NO TRESPASSING
VIOLATIONS WILL BE
PROSECUTED


Without punctuation, the sign has two meanings. Either "No trespassing. Violations will be prosecuted" or "No trespassing violations will be prosecuted".

I seriously considered taking a photo of the sign, breaking into the lot, getting myself arrested and then arguing my case. Then I decided to get some icecream instead.
Da Fricken' Pope!

You aren't going to believe this...

Dear readers, I come to you now not as your humble blogger spreading the truth around liberally, but rather as a bringer of mirth and merriment as all storytellers should be. Now, you must understand that I have a general rule about posting things about work. I don't find work related post interesting and I firmly believe than most people do not. None the less, I am going to violate this rule now and tell you about a phone call I made today. You see, part of my new job is verification of billing names and addresses on all new credit cards, be they for new clients or established ones. What I do, and as just about everyone in business does, is I call the issuing bank and have them tell me if the name and address I have been provided match those associated with the card's account number. The reason for this should be obvious to you all, but to make sure we are all on the same page, I'll tell you why. It is to protect the client from fraud. It also protects us from fraudulent orders as well, but truthfully, the client is protected the most, credit card theft being what it is. For us, a stolen card is an annoyance. For the client it is a major hassle as most people are paying out of their own pockets. Okay, enough with the boring details and on with the story.

Today I was verifying a card that did not check out. According to the agent I was speaking with the card number did not appear in their database as one of their own. She explained to me that it might be due to the fact that that account is currently being updated, along with others, and that it might show later in the day once the updates are done. It could also mean that the number I had was incorrect. This is the default assumption. In order to make sure that I have the correct number, as it did come from an internet order and we all know that we can miss key anything, I called the person named in the order. When I explained to her that I was trying to verify the card she wanted to know if this had to do with her son's order. Now, you see, I don't see a thing about a man's name on the order, just her name. I tell her that I do not know. Before I can explain that only her name appears on the order, she becomes very angry and wants to know why I don't know and how can any business be calling about his order and not know that it is for him. Explaining to her that his name, and only hers, is listed on the order doesn't seem to satisfy her much. Now, I suspect that she wants to consult with her son about this order because she asked if there was a number she could call me back at. I provide her with the number to the office. We do not have an 800 number. This also made her cranky.

About forty-five minutes later I receive the return call from her. She's already worked up. I suspect that she spent the extra time working up a good rage just to unleash on your's truly. In the process of the call, I explain to her that the reason we verify cards is for her protection. Needless to say she asks how we do that and I explain that I call the card issuing bank and ask them to confirm the name and address I have (which they have provided, I will have you note). She flys off the handle at this point because she is now worried about her bank giving away personal information. I try to console her that they don't tell me anything about the account, just whether or not the name and address I provide them matches their records. They don't even tell me what doesn't match should it not verify. Now, you have to understand that this is something that banks have to do because of federal laws. They must verify cards for merchants. Now, all banks have privacy policies that state that they can not give out any specific information, but that they can do this.At this point she accuses me of being a thief within the company trying to steal her credit card through a process of elimination of names and addresses. I don't even want to tell you how many banks I've talked to in just one week with this company. None of them have been repeats, and there have been a large number of them. You see, it's not just the bank as a whole, but also the issuing branch as well.

Now, if you believe my tale to have hit it's most absurd point, you are sadly mistaken. You see, in the process of trying to explain to this woman why we do this she begins to demand to know why we have to. I cheated at this point. I used every salesman's shortcut. I told her that we were required by state law to verify all out of state credit card usages before billing. This is the "nuclear option" of shutting up a client. Her retort? "Well, you ought to just change that goddamn, stupid law." Yeah, I can do that on a whim. Much to my dismay, she continues. You see, she has begun ranting and raving about how this violates the law and that banks are not allowed to give out any personal information at all. Not even a yes or no. What law does she declaire with complete and total sincerity, you ask? Well, the truth of the matter is that she is not talking about any one law, but rather a whole series of laws. This bundle, which she so emphatically believes protects her privacy and that I am breaking by checking up on the provided information is known to all of us as... The Patriot Act!
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brrr

(no subject)

My friend and I were watching a Fido commercial that advertises cell networking with IM capabilities.

She: "Hey, that's pretty cool. You can chat on your phone now."
Me: "Right... because chatting on a phone is such a chore otherwise..."
She: " o.O ... Well yeah, I mean, you used to have to wait until the other person got your email or voice mail or whatever, but now you can just use MSN or YIM and chat in real time..."
Me: *facepalm*
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