I work at a freight company. We pick up, ship, and deliver freight. You would not believe how many shipments I get a week with no delivery address on the bill of lading. Yesterday I got one and had to call the shipper. The following conversation followed:
Me: Hi this is Kat from XXX, we picked up a shipment today going to Wisconsin. You forgot to put a delivery address on the bill of lading, I was calling to find out where you would like us to deliver your package.
Idiot: Oh, ok. Our address is 123 Industrial...
Me: No no, I have your address, I need the delivery address.
Idiot: I don't know why you're calling me!!!!
Me: *head desk*
Sister: Well you see, he is manic-depressive.
Mother: Oh, Thats ok, at least he isn't bipolar.
This is my first real post here. Hi. I'm a substitute teacher and unlike many in the school, I actually hold people accountable for the stupid things they say.
Here are a few quotes from the high school hallways and classrooms. If they're in all caps, it means that the 'student' screamed it loudly enough for all to hear.
I'm sure there will be more coming soon.
Music Lover: "I love this song. I wish I had a voice like Tom Jones."
Surfer: "No, like, that'd be really weird. You're, like, a girl."
Stupid in Spanish: "Who would be stupid enough to name a baseball team after a cookie?!" (Breaking News! Baltimore Orioles are now the Baltimore Oreos. More at 11).
Science Wannabe: "I'm gonna throw this spleen at you!" (The kid grabbed a giant model of the human heart).
Me: (Looking at the menu for the day - tacos with cheese. School lunch, yuck!) "So I guess it's dog food again for lunch today."
Obnoxious: "DID SHE SAY TOE POO?!"
Obnoxious: "ARE YOU DRAWING YOUR CERVIX?!"
Random: "I have to paint my toenails if I wear sandals, 'cause, like, I hate the smell of Axe - it's so gross, like, only Abercrombie for me."
Social Studies: "I DIDN'T KNOW BRAZIL WAS IN AFRICA! OH MY GOD! AND EGYPT TOO!"
Another mock about my best friend.
A few months ago I moved to Nevada to intern at a dressage barn run by two of my old trainers. Said best friend is not very happy with the arrangement, and therefore calls me every day. The other night, I was telling her about mormon crickets, which I think are just about the most disgusting things ever. I am not looking forward to seeing them at all. Anyway, for those who don't know, these crickets are apparently very huge cannibalistic bugs. So when you run over a few in the road, more come to eat them. Then you run those over, and even more come to eat those, until the road is filled with smooshed mormon crickets. Sometimes the road even needs to be closed, since driving over them is like driving on black ice--very slippery. At the end of this disgusting little story, my friend is silent for a few seconds, before finally asking me, "I don't get it. Are they called mormon crickets because mormons eat their wives when they're done with them?"
I was silent for about ten seconds before I finally got the courage to ask her if that was a serious question, or if she was teasing me.
It was a serious question.
I had to make a delivery to one of the other offices in the University where I work today. It involved crossing a busy road. Now, there is a perfectly serviceable set of traffic lights with full pedestrian crossing facilities just outside the building, at a junction with the local hospital, so I walked up to it and stood with half a dozen other people waiting to cross.
The lights for the traffic on the main road turned red, the lights for the traffic coming out of the hospital turned green. Nothing odd there, that's the normal pattern - main road traffic, Hospital traffic, then Pedestrians and finally back to the main road traffic.
The lights for the hospital traffic turned red, and the pedestrian lights turned precisely the same colour they had been, red, while the lights for the traffic on the main road turned green again. I frowned, turned around, and noticed that the two guys nearest the lights were complaining bitterly about the traffic.
Guys: "Awww, this is the 4th time!"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Guys: "We've been here for 5 minutes, it's too busy to cross, and the green man hasn't come up once!"
Me: "You pressed the button?"
Guys: " ... "
Me: "You did press the button, didn't you?"
Guys: "Umm .... " *sheepishly press the button and shuffle their feet*
The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the stupid.
I was sitting at lunch yesterday when this conversation happened...
Dick: I've had this condom in my wallet for five years.
Aja: They expire, you know.
Dick: Yeah, well, not for a really long time.
Aja: Now you've missed your chance to have sex with me and Willow. We're going to have sex with each other instead.
Dick: Ew, I thought you were sisters!
Dick: You both wear eyeliner!
I also wear eyeliner. So does another girl who was at the table with us. I guess we were all sisters.
This almost would have made sense, too, if he had said something about how they looked alike, because other people have commented on that in the past. No, though -- no, it's because they both wear eyeliner. No wonder that condom hasn't been used yet!
My friend and I were writing essays for an editorial board selection test and she'd just printed out her essay. I pointed out that her name was prominently displayed on the first page of her essay when the rules said we weren't supposed to put our names on our submissions, so she went crazy and said, "Oh my God! I'm going to have to print the whole thing again! I wasted so much money!"
After she'd jumped up and down for a bit, I pointed out that she only needed to print the FIRST PAGE again. Her response? "Oh, that's GENIUS. I never thought of that. Wow - that's really smart of you!"
Then she opened the Word document and deleted her name - and I pointed out that she'd have to leave some blank space so that the first few lines of the second page didn't get pushed up to the first page.
...and then, when I printed out my essay and photocopied it (we were supposed to submit two copies), she smacked herself on the forehead because - wait for it -
she'd paid to print the entire essay twice, despite the fact that the Xerox machine was a foot away from the printer and printing costs four times as much as photocopying.
I was sitting in an English tutorial today and almost killed someone.
I should say at the outset that this IS a first-year paper, but I still couldn't grasp the idiocy.
Our tutor was discussing the structure of the exam - basically write-three-essays-in-three-hours - and asked if anyone had questions.
Student raises hand. "Are correct punctuation and grammar going to be important?"
I stopped. I stared. Only the fact that I love and respect my tutor stopped me from shrieking, "DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU BEEN LOBOTOMISED?"
The tutor, equally baffled, answers in the affirmative.
Student asks follow-up question: "But we're not, like, going to be marked down for bad punctuation or grammar, right?"
Tutor again answers in the affirmative.
This girl, and far too many others, looked like her world had ENDED.
But hey, it's only English! Who cares about good grammar when you're studying English?
(cross-posted all over the place)
When talking about evolution and the accomplishments of the human race, a certain genius commented in awe:
"You know, it's amazing that the universe is only two thousand years old!"
As a contractor, a number of jobsites where I work require that I be able to get into locked areas unescorted. In order to do so I'll check out a set of keys, an access badge, or sometimes both. Common practice is to turn in my driver's license as a means to ensure I return said keys, etc. Also, if I forget or neglect to return them, they know who it was.
Interestingly, this occurred not 1 minute after reading MTS :)
I approach the security desk, put the keys on the counter, and tell the officer that I'm done for the day. He picks up the sign-in book and asks which name is mine. I point to the line in the book where I signed in, and spoke my name (Paul)...perhaps redundant, but I just did it. He digs in his container where the IDs are kept and pulls out one, *clearly* not my picture on it, and asks me: "Is this one it?"
I reply: "It doesn't say 'Paul' does it?"
Guard: "Oh, well, let me keep looking"
Turns out that mine was the ONLY OTHER one in the box. As I take it from him I hear him mumbling something along the lines of "well, you never know, sometimes it's an old picture or something..."
Bwuh? Dude...the NAME doesn't fecking change!!!
This made my brain go all hurty.
In reference to the movie United 93:
Me: So, a good 15 people played themselves in this film.
Ms. Oblivious: Who? The people on the plane?
Fortunately, she realized her mistake before I said anything, probably from the look (o_O) on my face.
So, a friend of mine and I were going to take some photos in the park not far away, but since she was in full make up, we were going to drive. So we got in, she tried to start the car, no go. So we went, did our thing, and came back to see her dad right near the car, so she asked him to take a look at it.
So her dad pops the hood, looks around...
Friend's dad: When did you get your oil changed last?
Friend: Changed? Isn't that supposed to be done every few years?
I don't even drive and I know its every 5000 km. She's had her car 3 years, and aside from driving around daily, she takes it from school to home and back every other weekend. Easily 125 km each way.
Editted a few times for spelling/gramatical errors proving once again, posting upon first waking is a bad idea.
This happened many many years ago.
It gets very cold in Chicago during the winter, and this particular winter had been one of the worse. Thankfully alot of the really cold stuff had happened over break, and so when we were back in school, it was 'warmer' as in only 10F rather then -10F.
At Lunch I noticed the brother of one of my best friends hanging out near a window. I walked over to him to ask him what was the problem, since it wasn't really a place people hung out. Then I noticed he had no coat. When I asked why I got this great answer:
"When I woke up it was sunny out, so I thought it must be warm!"
He has lived in Chicago his entire life.
Today whilst in my classics lesson our teacher was attempting to turn on the overhead projector with a remote control. I was sat beneath the machine and so could see the light -
Teacher: Is it on?
Me: Yeah it's on. Oh you turned it off. Now it's on again. Off again, oh on again. You turned if off again!
Teacher: Uh, the light is flashing.
Oh god...I have actually become a real life blonde joke...I guess you have all heard the one about the indicator lights working? Needless to say everyone laughed at me and there was much humiliation.
Last month my Government class attended a court session. We, a group consisting of about 50-70 Seniors, ended up walking a mile through town in order to get there since the school had forgotten to tell the bus driver that we needed a bus. That in itself is almost mock worthy, but in a town as small as ours walking a mile to court is nothing. It was a nice day anyway, a lord knows some of us needed the exercise. But I digress.
One of the cases we saw involved a man who had been summoned to court on assault and battery charges to be given a trial date. He was a young man, early to late 20s, and his response to the judge reading him what his charges were?
Man: I didn't put no salt in nobody's battery!
Sadly, he was being serious.
Another case we sat through involved a woman who had been caught going 68 in a 35 mph zone. Her excuse for going so fast?
Woman: Well you see judge I live in Northern Virginia* four days out of the week and my honey lives down here. I'm 63 and he is 75, and we don't have a lot of time together. I was speeding to get to him.
* Our town is located on the Northern Neck of Virginia, and depending on which part of Northern Virgina you are coming from it takes anywhere from 2-5 hours to get here.