April 22nd, 2006

job_puppet

"You set the LAWN on FIRE!"

This post reminded me of a little incident that occurred in September of '03 back at my office HellJob O' Doomy Doom.

My boss' daughter - we'll call her Lydia, all names contained herein changed to protect the imbecilic - was outside on the lawn smoking with our coworker Tina. It had been a quite dry summer, and the grass was pretty much dead. So Lydia flicks her cigarette onto the lawn, and Tina says "Um, shouldn't you put that out? You could start a fire."

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I mean...God. Inches away from mass explosions, and she's all miffed because Breanna was pissed at her.

And, of course, since Mommy is the boss, Lydia was not terminated or punished in any way. I have many, many more mock-worthy Lydia stories, but I'll post those only if requested. :)
Zydrate, Deadbetty, graverobber

"Oh, noes! We lost a potential sale we couldn't make anyways!"

My mother works in a salon supply store. They are open to licensed professionals only. Of course, they're also in a strip mall.

There are signs everywhere stating that they ONLY sell to licensed professionals.


A woman walks in the other day and proceeds to pick out nail polish. She looked about right to be a beauty student. When she gets up to the register, my mother asks for her card or membership number.

"What membership number? I don't need one of those."

So the rules are explained, they CANNOT sell to anyone unlicenced and she's going to have to leave the store.

Woman puffs up, proceeds to don an air of offended dignity and spits out "Well, YOU just lost yourself a customer!" as she stalks out of the store.

Um. You can't buy anything here. You never were a customer, and unless you were to get licensed, you never will be.

*blush* Edit for spelling errors.
FantasyMe-Playmobil

(no subject)

The 2006 Stupidest FanFic Writer Award Gets Retired Early

"(...) I learn of Lori Jareo, who has written up a Star Wars fanfic novel, published it without the expressed, written consent of George Lucas, and has it listed for sale on Amazon. Oh, but she's not worried about the massive copyright violation; Indeed, let's see what she has to say about it in her "author interview."

Q: Having set Another Hope in an already existing universe, I find myself wondering if there was any concern on your part regarding copyrights?

No, because I wrote this book for myself. This is a self-published story and is not a commercial book. Yes, it is for sale on Amazon, but only my family, friends and acquaintances know it’s there.

Let me repeat this, just to savor the juicy cluelessness of it: "Yes, it's for sale on Amazon, but only my family, friends and acquaintances know it's there." I feel myself getting stupider every time I read that line, but the good news is that I have a long way to go before I would be actually stupid enough to say that line myself."

I agree with patgund - she's probably gonna look like Aunt Beru after Lucas's lawyers get done with her...

Harry Dresden

(no subject)

I have a friend who I spend a fair amount of time plotting to take over the world with. He's a pretty intelligent guy, which is why his post-worthy comment really worries me.

We were discussing the pros and cons of taking over France.

Friend: 'Well, France has good cheese and great wine.'
Me: 'Yes, but so does Italy.'
Friend: 'Ian, Italy is IN France.'
Me: '... what? What do you think the boot country is?'
Friend: 'That's Turkey.'

I proceeded to draw a rough map of Europe and educate him.


What worries me the most is he's been in a geography class all year. :/ What kind of things are they teaching him?
cap_oyyyy

More Tales Of the Office Idiot

Goodness. I didn't realize my old coworker "Lydia"'s stupidity would prove to be so popular. :)

Okay, here are my two other favorite ones:

STORY THE FIRST
Although she is my boss' daughter, my boss has another boss, who the entire office knew she was sleeping with. (I swear it's relevant.) Due to their little "relationship," Lydia was prevented from ever getting fired no matter what.

Really. No matter what.

Even though Boss' Boss came in a day after having eye surgery once, and Lydia was playing around in his office (NOT WORKING, might I add) and fiddling with rubber bands.

Tell me you can see it coming.

She shot a rubber band right into his recently-repaired eye.

You think I'm kidding when I say "can't get fired," huh?

STORY THE SECOND
Lydia was, again, NOT WORKING one day and was fiddling around online. Which you're not supposed to do if you're not on lunch break, BTW. So she happens upon an IQ test and takes it, then proceeds to run around the office like a hyperactive golden retriever, proclaiming loudly to one and all that she "Got a 91%!!"

Wait, it gets better.

I tell her, flatly, that those are POINTS and not a PERCENTAGE. She asks me what an average IQ is. I tell her it's around 110-120-ish. She says I have to be lying and that I'm calling her stupid. So she goes back and retakes the test.

Wait, it gets better.

She has three of our coworkers help her. And she's asking questions like "Is a cherry a fruit?" She ends up with a 115. With help. And tells me triumphantly, "See, I told you I wasn't stupid."

She was 19 years old, by the way. I don't know how she ever got through high school.
potter

The Teacher and the student

These two incidents both happened in my World Political Geography class, a 3000 level course. Needless to say I haven't had to work hard at this class.

I should explain that the teacher had a Ph.D. also.
First, the teacher is showing us a power point and we're studying south west Asia also known as the Middle East. He is using this powerpoint and a picture comes up on the Church of the Nativity. He looks at it for a second and at the caption and asks the class in general if anyone knows where this is. At first I thought he was just questioning the class, but then realized very quickly that he had no idea. So I offered that it was in Bethlehem and that tradition has it that it was built in the place where Jesus was born.

His response "I don't really know much about that religious stuff".
um?

Then on a separate day in class we're discussing pollution and greenhouse gases and some of the treaties that the world as a whole has discussed at various conferences. He's explaining how there is a point at which the atmosphere will be overrun with carbon dioxide and that it is harmful when out of balance, etc. One girl speaks up...
Girl: Can't we just build a giant one of those air filter things like you use in your house?

professor: What do you mean?

Girl: You know those things that suck all the dust out of the air in your house, or do those things not do anything at all?

The teacher went on to explain that carbon dioxide is not dust, and she still didn't get it. and I still can't get the image of a big hepa filter sitting in the middle of New York City out of my head.

(no subject)

I swear I love my boyfriend but he fails at geography.

Last weekend, we were talking about Hawaii for some reason, and this is how it goes:

Boyfriend: Isn't Hawaii like, touching Russia?
Me: What!? It's nowhere NEAR Russia!
Boyfriend: No, seriously, it's like, really close to Russia right, because it's off our coast right?
Me: Okay, Hawaii is across from Japan, and Japan is close to China, and CHINA is touching Russia. Are you thinking about China!?
Boyfriend: No! Hawaii is touching Russia! No wait, I'm thinking about Alaska! Because Alaska is up there right, and it's touching Russia, and Alaska is close to Hawaii!

NICE SAVE THERE HOME SLICE

Many moons ago, we were arguing over whether California was touching Mexico too. He eventually got a map and didn't believe it because "maybe it's an old map!"

D:
o hai mark

Long time lurker.... first time poster

To start off with, I need to say a little about my friend Amy. She's the girl that puts the "dumb" in "dumb blonde". This girl is really a sweetheart, she was one of the first friends I made when I started at a new high school. But she's literally dumber than a doorknob. Not kidding, I could go on for days about the stupid shit she says. But I'll just post the jem:

So a few years ago, after Amy had spent the night over at my house following a night of heavy drinking, we woke up hung over and she had the wonderful idea of making smoothies for breakfast. Seemed like she had a good idea (for once). So I got some milk and berries out of the fridge, handed her the blender, and told her to get started on blending the ingredients. I turned and walked out of the kitchen. 2 seconds later...

SPLAT!!!!!! *Amy screaming*

I ran back into the kitchen and to my horror found Amy totally douched with berries and milk, along with the walls, floor, and ceiling. "What the hell??" I asked.

To that she shakingly replied, "I just wanted to see what the blending milk and berries would look like from above!!"

*slaps forehead*

Apparently, she didn't know that you had to put the lid on the blender before you turned it on, thus resulting in a mess of berries that we spent the next hour or so scrubbing off the walls while my mom watched us and laughed.

I love you Amy, but sometimes.... *sigh* I think to this day there are still some berry stains on our ceiling.
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FantasyMe-Playmobil

Back in mid 90s...

...at a company I was working as a contractor to, we were all on macs, since we were a major portion of the graphics department. We handled sales presentations, mainly, and we worked in Aldus Persuasion (this was before PowerPoint hit the market at all). One guy, MacMan, had been working on macs pretty much his entire computer-related life.

MacMan had primary use of one of the computers in our area, and was working on a major project organizing and updating several hundred forms that this company used and sent to its clients. I'd only been working on macs since 1994, but since I knew MacMan normally knew his mac feces, I figured that the folder holding data for SuperProject was duplicated elsewhere on the hard drive, and that the folder holding data for SuperProject in the Trash had to be an accidental duplication or something like that, because... it was in the Trash. On a computer that was set up to verify that you wanted to put any Folder X (or individual File Y) into the trash... And since I needed to use Photoshop and there was only about 3 meg left on the hard drive, I went ahead and...
Emptied The Trash.

Well, that freed up a good 17 meg, let me do my Photoshop job in about 20 minutes, and go on my merry way. I realize I should have verified that there was a second folder on the hard drive called SuperProject before deleting the one in the trash, but come on!

Who stores major projects in the trash folder?!

Needless to say, MacMan did, and because the folder was in the Trash, it did not get included in the nightly network backups.

MacMan never understood why people got so angry that he was storing it in the trash, and frankly, nobody could understand why he thought storing it there was a good idea to begin with.

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    amused amused
deeeeer

(no subject)

My little brother is 12 years old and a very smart kid, so when he asked me the following question I was kind of surprised.

*playing wild west video game*
Brother: Did they have queers in the 1890's?

This of course reminded me of a previous incident, sort of similar in that he's a bit confused about different sexualities (which I guess is understandable at age 12)

We're in the car, coming off of the freeway and we pass a homeless person standing on the end of the off-ramp. My little brother pipes up...

Brother: LOOK THERES A HOMO!
Me: Uhhh...you mean hobo?
Brother: They're the same thing!

*headpalm*
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    awake

I guess Peter Pan wears wooden shoes...

Hello. I'm a first time poster here, but I've been lurking for a few days, reading all the stories and wondering how these people actually make it through this world alive.

Here's another geography post:

A girl I knew was looking at a map and reading about the Netherlands for class. She looked up and asked "The Netherlands...? Isn't that where Peter Pan lives?"

None of us could stop our laughter, but we did correct her.