The first of my two mocks of the day is not my own; it was related to me by a coworker.
She, her boyfriend, and his mother were all watching March of the Penguins. At one point, a seal or hunter or something nasty was trying to eat one of the penguins.
"Fly! Fly away!" the mother yelled at the TV.
"Penguins can't fly," my coworker responded.
"Of course they can," the mother replied. "They're birds, aren't they?"
Apparently, a long argument ensued, but neither of them were able to convince her that penguins cannot fly.
A few nights ago, I was in line at the grocery store and noticed a sign taped to the register:
Attention, cashiers: Be on the lookout for fake $100 bills. The bills will have Lincoln's face instead of Franklin's.
"Our counterfeiting plan is foolproof, my friend! Nobody will ever be able to tell our bills from the real thing!"
My dad is a pediatrician, and one of his doctor friends transferred a 14 year old patient to my dad.
The kid had acute aspirin poisoning, which is pretty rare nowadays. For a long time, they couldn't figure out how the kid ingested so mch aspirin, and the kid wouldn't tell them.
Finally, they determined that he didn't eat the aspirin, but he absorbed it through his skin. After some more questioning, the kid told them what had happened.
Every day for a month, the kid used BENGAY to masturbate with, supposedly because he liked the tingling feeling. The last day before he was admitted to the hospital, he used "quite a lot". He almost died. FROM MASTURBATION.
Basically, be carefully what you use during your personal time.
I work at HMV, a CD/DVD store in Canada. As such, I encounter all sorts of stupidity, but these two, which both happened yesterday, take the cake.
Stupid Woman #1
Woman: Do you have "A. V. Endged"? [She pronounced this "end. ged."]
Me: Let me look it up for you...is that the artist's name?
Woman: It's a band.
Me: Oh, okay. And the "A. V." are just initials?
Woman: No, it's all one word. A-V-E-N-G-E-D.
Lady: *looks completely confused* No, that's not a word.
I simply replied with, "Oh, right, sorry," and laughed hysterically to myself after she'd gone.
Stupid Woman #2
I'd just rung up this woman's purchase, and it came to $20.24. She handed me a $20 bill, and then said, "Oh, and I have the change." She then proceeded to spend four minutes (I started timing after about the first minute) digging around in her purse for change. Finally, looking quite pleased with herself, she handed me four pennies. Thinking she'd misheard me (even though the price comes up in big numbers on the front of the cash), I said, "Oh, no, sorry, it's twenty-four cents." She just stared blankly at me and went, "Yes, I know." Then she paused, looked like a light came on in her head, and...handed me another penny. "No, I'm sorry...this is still only five cents. Do you have two dimes?" Cue her spending at least another minute digging around in her purse. "No, I only have one." At this point I was just getting frustrated with her holding up the line, so I asked if she had a quarter. She looked quite relieved and handed me the quarter, so I tried to hand her back the pennies. This was clearly too much for her; she looked completely taken aback and asked, "Don't you need those?" I simply said "No," and gave her her penny change. As she left the store, she was still looking confusedly at the pennies in her hand.
A little story my boss related about one of his relatives opening presents...
The one opening presents was a kid, somewhere around 9 years old. (I forget the exact age, but should be old enough to grasp basic concepts.) His parents gave him a wrapped box. Inside the box was a Nintendo DS, accessories form the Nintendo DS, and a game for the Nintendo DS.
So he opens the box, goes straight for the game, then a tantrum much like the following ensues.
This game is for Nintendo DS, it won't work on my Gameboy Advanced.
(Kid picks up Nintendo DS out of the box)
This is a Nintendo DS, I would need one of these to play this game. What I have is a Gameboy Advanced. I can't play this game because I don't have a Nintendo DS.
And on and on. Apparently this went on for a good ten minutes until he finally put the two together and realized that, in fact, he DID have a Nintendo DS, and he was holding it in his other hand. At that point he slinked off quietly and spent the rest of the day playing his new game. Kind of makes you think of Verruca Salt.
There are lots of people where I work. I do work in an office, so I don't walk around a lot. Mostly I sit and my desk and.. well.. work.
Today I walked across the office and a co-worker stopped me and said, "Hey! You're pregnant!! How far along are you?"
"6 months." I responded.
"Wow! I had no idea! When did that happen??"
"6 months ago."
When do you think it happened???
The people of this world are just getting stupider and stupider. I was walking home from the grocery store when these two people holding a map out looking confused asked me where the igloos and polar bears are. First of all I live in Ottawa it's in Canada, but it's not a city way up north. When I told them that there weren't any here they actually said that Canada was the worst state they have been to. I just walked away when they said that. My brain hurts from the stupidity.
Two work stories:
My boss had decided to rearrange the lab. We have two phones, with different numbers. On one, we get all of our incoming calls, and the other is just a back up, and we make some personal calls on it. So, as boss moving things around, she decides that the area around the extra phone is her desk. She then thinks about how much more convent it would be if the outgoing/business phone was at her desk. I come back from lunch, and she proudly tells me that she has switched the phones. I'm amazed that she managed to convince the powers that be to do all that work. (I'll take this moment to point out that she is very technologically challenged) So I congratulate her, and ask how she did it. "I just switched them" she proclaims. "But how?" I ask again. It only takes a minute of this for me to realize that she just unplugged them from the jack and switched the actual phones. It takes nearly 10 minutes for my co worker and I to convince her it did not work. She actually pointed to the places on the phones where the number was written as proof that they indeed now belonged to the other places. She finally got it, sort of, when I demonstrated by calling each phone from the other, and when my co worker pointed out that when she bought a new phone at home, she didn't have to give out a new number because that number was assigned to the jack. I had to leave the room to laugh after that.
Another time, we have a very old computer (DOS commands, if that gives you an idea) that we use with one of our tests. There were bar codes on some of the samples, and we were still typing them in. I asked around about ordering a scanner when I was told that we'd already been shipped one, but it didn't fit. I managed to find it in a drawer, where it had been for about 7-9 years. I figured it probably wouldn't work, but I was bored. So I looked at the connector and compared it to the computer, and sure enough, it wasn't the same. I put it down to go do some work, then decided to try to find a place to buy and adapter for it. While inspected the end, I realized that there was an adapter already on the end. In a fit of genius, I removed this adapter, and behold, there was the proper connection! I felt silly that it had taken me 5 minutes to figure it out, and I was the first in 7+ years. And to top it all off, the thing still worked! I was a hero now that people didn't have to type in some 9 digit bar code.
These are the people I spend 40 hours a week with. *Sigh*
I was watching TV when the newscaster said, "Several hundred homes in the area are completely without electricity at this time."
And I thought, "Oh, man -- I hope I'm not one of them!"
Then I changed the channel, turned on the microwave for a cup of tea, and continued to worry. About whether or not I was without electricity at this time.
I work in a Japanese Restaurant/sushi bar. One of the things I do is pick up the phone and take to go orders.
A couple weeks ago a woman called and wanted to order food. This is how the conversation went.
FYI: at the restaurant, for take out, the orders get put directly into a computer.
Woman: Can I have a number 19.
Me: I don't have the food in numbers on my computer. Could you just tell me the name of what you'd like?
Woman: Okay! Can I have a number 17 as well.
Me: Um, tell me the name of the fish, please.
Woman: Oh the name of the fish? Okay. 19.
Woman: Okay. Salmon and Tuna.
Me: That's all you'd like?
Cue me killing myself.
After a dry spell of several months, my dear best friend who is a brunette permanently trapped in a blonde moment as the saying goes once again proved to me that she is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Now she is one that is known for tying up phone lines and the like with hours upon hours of talking to people, seeing as she has no internet. One would think that by this time in her life A, as I shall call her, would know how to use a phone book. Apparently in all of her seventeen years of life, no one ever showed her how, as proven by part of our conversation a few hours ago when she tried to name a church by looking it up in the Yellow Pages.
A: Wait, why am I even looking in this!? *just noticing that she is using the Yellow Pages*
Me: You can find churches in Yellow Pages. Just look under C for churches.
A: You can do that!?
Me: Yeah... *blink*
A: Oh cool! I never knew that before!
Me: ... *sigh*
I work nights as a secretary on an inpatient floor in a metropolitan hospital.
Recently a patient walked up to the nurses' station and asked for a particular patient's room. "1003 B," I replied, pointing down the corridor to my left. He turned around in place.
"3 B?" he asked, proving that he had heard and understood me.
"Yes, 3 B," I repeated, pointing clearly down the hall, "that way."
He pointed to the room behind him, across from my desk. "That's 16," he said.
"Yes, it is," I finally managed to say. "1003 B is down the hall, that way," I reiterated, pointing to my left.
"Oh," he said, and meandered down the hall to my right.
On the phone:
me: 10 Northwest (the name of my floor).
caller: Um, hi? Um, I'd like to, um, talk to a patient?
caller: . . .
caller: Oh! You need the name?
Me: This is the best food in the entire 'verse!
Alex (stupid guy): You're an idiot.
Me: ...Why am I an idiot?
Alex: Because everybody knows verses are in poems, not food.
Me: Not VERSE, 'verse. apostrophe-v-e-r-s-e. As in UNI-verse.
Me: It's short for universe! 'verse! Do you get it now?
Alex: Like...a poem?
This went on and on and on until I just walked away from him.
Edit: Though he's never seen Firefly, I've made him see Serenity three-hundred-million-times, so he should be used to me talking like that by now. Plus, I explained it. And you should hear him talk--he uses words like "dawg" in regular conversation, and he's a video game nerd.
I don't know if this would count as stupidity...but it is pretty amusing:
A conversation being yelled back and forth from the living room and the second-story bedroom:
Dad- IS THE OVEN ON?
Dad- IS THE OVEN ON?
Mom- I DON'T THINK SO, WHY?
Dad- I HEAR CLICKING
Mom- I'M CLIPPING MY TOENAILS!
Mom- I'M CLIPPING MY TOENAILS!
Dad- I'LL CHECK THE OVEN...NOPE, IT'S NOT ON!
Mom- I'M CLIPPING MY TOENAILS!
Dad- SOMETHING'S STILL CLICKING!