Poking idiots in the eye since 2002

Crocodile Hunter, he ain't

mtsmod@gmail.com — Wed, 30 May 2012 13:02:41 GMT

Just because you're some kind of scientist doesn't mean you can subdue an 8-ft reptile on your own (and even if he was a zoologist specializing in reptiles, he sure shoulda known better than this):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYwLCEgtvoM

In extra stupid, notice how the news report says "... it's a miracle these powerful limbs didn't kill the man." Ummm yeah, cuz it'll totally box your lights out with those short legs - those jaws are just there to bark at ya. :P

You know .. the ANY KEY

mtsmod@gmail.com — Fri, 25 May 2012 05:11:31 GMT

I work in IT. What's worse, I'm a trainer at a call center AND I'm "quality assurance" (2 positions).

Occasionally I must go through tickets to find out why we couldn't fix them. I just passed this gems around for a good giggle and a friendly warning to my crew.

Description: Eu says that all the data in his whoami screen is blank // no other user affected

Resolution (5 days and a status call later): Worked fine after user pressed the enter key.

So not only did the initial tech fail, so did the guy that got the call for status.

Woolly Brain Syndrome

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sat, 12 May 2012 05:19:31 GMT

The Cutty Sark, the best surviving example of a tea clipper, was re-opened by the Queen last week. Just two days later, I went to see it.

After steam powered ships became more profitable for tea trading, the Cutty Sark carried other cargoes. One of these was wool from Australia. To illustrate this, one deck had some wool bales, which measure about 5x4x4 feet, and had some facts about wool printed on the side. One such fact was that one fleece could make 8 sweaters.

I overheard this conversation:

Mother: Wow! This entire container of wool makes just 8 sweaters!

Daughter: No, one fleece makes 8 sweaters. This is a bale. It contains many fleeces.

Mother: Still, it doesn't seem right. All those sheep dying just to keep people warm!

At this point an employee jumped in to correct her, while her daughter shook her head in disbelief.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sat, 12 May 2012 05:18:38 GMT

Dumbass siphons gas from a cop car & posts a pic of it on Facebook. Can you guess what happens next? XD

While the siphoning photo has been removed from his Facebook page, Baker yesterday updated his 380 friends on his legal problems. “just got out of jail,” he wrote in one post, adding later that “yea lol i went too jail over facebook.” Responding to a friend who had not seen the image before it was yanked, Baker assured, “yea lol u would just have to seen it it was funny as hell tho.”

mtsmod@gmail.com — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 22:38:42 GMT

I work with the sweetest coworker ever, but sometimes not the brightest. The other day during lunch she asked me if Poland was cold and it eventually got to me commenting about how Americans don't know jackshit about geography. To test my point, I asked where countries were located.

N: So where's New Zealand?
I figured Lord of the Rings right? Everyone knows where NZ is.
Coworker: Ummm... let me think ... next to Scotland!

"If You're Going To Dine-And-Dash, Don't Do It In A Restaurant Full Of Cops"

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 07:55:09 GMT

If You're Going To Dine-And-Dash, Don't Do It In A Restaurant Full Of Cops

We certainly don't condone the act of dining-then-dashing. It's illegal and, more importantly, just plain rude to the people that prepared and served your meal. It's especially rude when the servers are law enforcement officers working a fundraising event for the Special Olympics.

And yet, a man in New Mexico stands accused of trying to feed and flee an Applebee's during the Tip-A-Cop fundraiser featuring police officers as hosts and waitstaff.

The suspect's two female dining companions left the building first, and then he allegedly tried to slip out without paying the $30 dinner check. Given the police presence in the restaurant, it's not surprising that the man was snagged and charged with obtaining services less than $100.

So if you see a bunch of police officers serving up dinner, be prepared to wash dishes if you can't afford your meal.

It's an update on the age-old rule that if you see Samuel L. Jackson eating breakfast at a diner, do not attempt to take his wallet.

Diner allegedly eats and runs during Tip-a-Cop fundraiser [Las Cruces Sun-News]

Hitman request fail

mtsmod@gmail.com — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 03:22:09 GMT

http://www.iol.co.za/news/back-page/wanted-a-midget-to-kick-ex-lover-1.1247134

A Joburg man has taken to an online forum to request that a midget kick his ex-girlfriend. And he’s quite upset that he isn’t being taken seriously.

GEE I WONDER WHY!

During a phone interview with The Star on Thursday, Brett seemed appalled at the suggestion that his advert might be a joke.

“I clearly took it out because I want my ex-girlfriend to be kicked in the shins,” he said. “Midget revenge is the only form of revenge that works these days.”

He rejected the assertion that his actions were discriminatory towards little people. “F*** if I care,” he said. “They know they are midgets. I’m not being politically correct about this.”

He took a similar stance on violence. “Violence would be if I asked the midget to kick her hard and then set her on fire.”

I'm no lawyer, but anyone wanna set the record straight on what constitutes assault & conspiracy? ;)

So..... homosexuality is sexist?

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 23:36:28 GMT

As posted on leasthelpful.com....

http://leasthelpful.com/post/18494440942/its-basically-racist-to-be-gay

Please, my friends, rip this nimrod a new one.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 17:33:45 GMT

I only heard the end of this conversation so I don't know how Margaret Thatcher came up, but she did:

Friend: Margaret Thatcher?! I love her! Isn't she a dancer?

Congressman Sources An Onion Article As Fact On Facebook

mtsmod@gmail.com — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:42:43 GMT

Yes the abortion complex will be opening soon!

Oh wait, you mean The Onion is satire? But elected officials don't understand satire!

Congressman Sources An Onion Article As Fact On Facebook

I give up on people, Or: The Real Reason Why We Need Free Contraception.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 23:09:58 GMT

Context: facebook argument about Obama making contraceptive pills free. Who's on what side is not important here.

Dumbass: Lol...I am well aware that birth control pills are used to treat a number of medical issues. But thanks for feeling the need to enlighten us. Its humoring.

My mother: What is not (sic) "humoring" is ignorance and using religion to propagate it.

Dumbass: Humoring was spelled correctly. Humouring is also an accepted spelling of the word, and is more prevalent in the UK. If you are going to correct someone because you think it makes you smarter than they are, then do it correctly. Have a lovely evening:)

Me: You may have spelled it correctly, but you misused the heck out of it. Just like you spelled "its" correctly but managed to use the wrong one (you wanted "it's", a contraction of "it is"). You meant "humorous" -- your use is the present participle of the verb "to humor", which means "to appease." [nb: I know, not exactly, but give me a break here.] "Humoring" is not, and never will be, an adjective. But I digress.

Dumbass: Hee hee...don't digress, please continue. I would like to continue laughing at you.

...God, I wish this person were trolling. I really do.

play group stupid

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 23:08:30 GMT

My son and I attend a play group with other moms and their one-year-olds. There's plenty of chatting going on, and stupid inevitably crops up.

One woman was talking about how her son wasn't the most mobile and didn't want to use his legs. 'Even at his birth, he didn't help push. He just said to himself, "I'll let Mom take care of this."' The group leader told her babies weren't expected to do any work during the labor and Mom gave her kid a look and said, 'well, he certainly didn't.'

Another woman says she doesn't mind if her daughter's a lesbian. Now, this is great, but the mom in question actually seems like she's going to be pushing her towards it, which may turn out badly. And her reasoning is even worse. Mom's afraid she won't be able to instill enough of a sense of self-empowerment and self-confidence in her daughter. And she's certain an unconfident daughter will automatically end up the victim of spousal abuse. And Mom is also quite sure that this unhappy ending can be completely avoided with lesbianism. What baffles me even more is that Mom works at a women's prison. Hasn't she SEEN some bad lesbian relationships?

And this mom also once let her daughter get a hold of some solid grill lighters and eat them (the lesbian-in-training was fine). Accidents happen, of course, but why was she keeping grill lighters near her daughter's play area in the first place?

A self-mock, since it's been slow lately

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:27:33 GMT

Also, this is a cross-post from my journal.

How stupid am I?

So I was late for doctor's appointments twice this past week; once on Thursday and once on Friday (I always set up appointments on Thurs. and Fri. because those are days I don't work). Why? Because my alarm didn't go off. My phone is my alarm, and every night I plug in my phone to the extension cord by my nightstand, and set my phone on the nightstand to charge.

Both Thursday and Friday my phone didn't charge while I slept, and in fact ran out of battery and died overnight. WTF? I checked the connection, made sure the cord was plugged in and everything... what was the problem? Why was my phone not charging? It had chirped its little "I'm charging" notes when I had plugged it in... It charged ok when I plugged it into my laptop, and when I plugged it in in the car... what was wrong? Had my cable gone bad?

Friday evening is when it hit me. I went in before my bath to plug the phone in again and troubleshoot why it wasn't charging there... and it occurred to me.

Dan has been sleeping in my bed recently, whereas normally he sleeps in his own room (my sleep habits--or rather, my insomnia-- keeps him awake). Normally, when I'm in bed alone, I turn on the bright floor lamp next to my side of the bed and read for a while before falling asleep. When I'm done reading, I reach up and turn off the light at the lamp's switch, and go to sleep.

But since Dan was in bed with me, and I know that the floor lamp is too bright for him, I turned off the floor lamp at the wall switch and turned on the smaller, dimmer lamp on my nightstand to read by.

Read that again: I turned off the floor lamp at the wall switch.

At the wall switch.

Which controls the outlet that the floor lamp is plugged into.

That the extension cord is plugged into.

So when I plugged in the phone, the lights were all on, and so the phone made its happy "I'm charging" chirp when I plugged it in, and then I promptly left the room and turned off the switch, killing the outlet that was providing power to charge my phone. I'm such an idiot!

I'm just glad I figured this out before next week when I need to be up early for work... fortunately, while I did oversleep, I woke up around 1pm both days, and my appointments were both at 1pm, so I speed-dressed, called to say I was on my way, and showed up 15-20 minutes late to the appointments without disrupting anything too badly. If it had been a work day, when my alarm is set for 8am, and I'd overslept until 1pm, that would have been much, much worse.

Win 3 free months of audiobooks. No catch.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 20:07:22 GMT

This isn't stupid, but I know a lot of you are intelligent and like books and things, so I decided to post this here as well. There is a more detailed post in my journal, but all the same stuff is on the entry page as well:

I have 2 free 3 month "gift memberships" to Audible.com and I decided that rather than choose who to give them to, I'd do an online drawing. This is run by software that will choose a winner from a list of all the entries--I don't handle any of it. I decided to run it as an automatic drawing so I wouldn't have to decide who gets them.

At the end of the 3 months this membership does NOT revert to paid. They will NOT ask you for your credit card to sign up. You get 1 free audiobook per month during the gift membership. Sign up here: Want 3 months FREE at Audible.com? Enter here...

Edited to add: I get no points, prizes, money, bonuses, credits, or anything else for people signing up or winning. The software running the drawing is hosted on my own site and managed by me (check the page source if you don't believe me), and the gift memberships were emailed to me by Audible to give out as I see fit--I get nothing for doing so.

I just figured the community had been pretty slow lately anyway and I had something of value to give out free, so I did something I almost never do (it's not like this is a big problem or anything) and posted the offer here.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 04:00:37 GMT

My uncle recently married a woman from a Spanish-speaking country in South America (so not Brazil). She is currently studying for the driver's exam and had no identification other than her passport. My uncle had oral surgery today and my mom asked me to pick up his wife and take her to the pharmacy at their local Wal-Mart so she could pick-up his prescriptions. We were picking up a pain killer so the pharmacy tech asked for her ID. She pulled out her passport and was promptly informed that a passport isn't a form of ID.

In what country is a passport not ID?

Good job, IT

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 04:00:12 GMT

I got an email today at work from IT that said something along the lines of:

"We attempted to call you today about your ticket called 'Phone not working'. We were unable to reach you. Please call us at extension 5000 so we can obtain the necessary information."

Um. Sure thing, guys.

Gluten-free? ...not exactly.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 02:41:31 GMT

Hi folks... long-time lurker has one to share.
I can't eat wheat...irrelevant why. It means I'm getting familiar with the special gluten-free section. In the local ShopRite the shelves are a different color, they're labelled, they're stocked tightly with wheat-free cookies, rice noodles, garbanzo bean flour, and the like. "Gluten Free Pantry" is a big brand. So is "Bob's Red Mill". But tonight I learned that Bob's Red Mill also plain old organic too...
because sandwiched between the gluten-free pancake mix and the coconut-flour cookies was a nice big bag of WHEAT GERM.

In their favor, I dont' know if it's the stocker from the store who put it there or the stocker from the brand. And the employee who I flagged down about it freely admitted he didn't even know what gluten was -- and happily took it and its price tag up to the night manager.

But I want to dope-slap the idiot who put it on that shelf.

Everyone knows it's not real

mtsmod@gmail.com — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:38:04 GMT

The host of Entertainment Tonight described the Costa Concordia cruise ship disaster as being "just like a real-life Titanic." I turned it off just as he was saying, "So we all know that Titanic was a movie with Leo and Kate...."

I hope this was just the end of a long day at work.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:37:50 GMT

I was buying a book at a large bookstore, when the following conversation took place.

Cashier: Oh, you're in to magic and stuff? Me too! What's this book about?
Me: It's about the Golden Dawn's interpretation of Tarot symbolism and how they use the cards as stand ins for objects in ritual magic.
Cashier: I'll have to check it out. I'd actually never heard of . . . pore-tah-bluh magic before.

Confused by the word she's just sounded out, reading off the cover, I look down at the book.

Portable Magic.

35p + 35p = DERP?

mtsmod@gmail.com — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 01:32:07 GMT

Supermarkets are crafty with their non-deal deals by confusing us all with BOGOFs that make no logical sense and cost more; but perhaps they might be somewhat obvious with this ploy.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Handicapped Spaces

mtsmod@gmail.com — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 21:49:49 GMT

I posted this in my own journal, too:

Saw this at Sears Hardware. Man, those handicapped people get all the good spaces...

(click to enlarge)

mtsmod@gmail.com — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 18:55:14 GMT

This stupid was related to me by a neighbor. She has a disc issue in her back and will be having surgery to fix it sometime next year. She ended up at the ER the other night because she was losing feeling to her right hand. In order to keep her hand from going numb she kept it moving by patting her leg and twitching her fingers. While she was waiting room she overheard a woman and her daughter and had the following conversation.

Woman (not quietly) whispering to daughter: See that woman over there (pointing to my friend), I bet she's a psych patient. See how she's moving her hand.

Friend: I actually have a disc issue and I'm moving my hand like this so it doesn't go numb.

Woman (avoiding eye contact with my friend): That's what all psych patients say.

The woman then moved her daughter to different seats.

mtsmod@gmail.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:06:36 GMT

I have a worker who is about to graduate high school this year.

Yesterday he was asking me when my store was coming out with a new product.

Him: Hey, Carrie, when are they coming out with *new product*?
Me: Sometime in mid January.
Him: So how many months is that?
Me: Well, what month are we in now?
Him: December.
Me: What month is next....?
Him: I don't know. I know it starts with a J, but I don't know which month it is.

This kid is almost 18 years old, going to graduate school soon, and doesn't know which month starts off the year? I just have no words for it.

20+ year old self-mock

mtsmod@gmail.com — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 19:09:39 GMT

Comments in a recent thread made me think of this...

I think I've alluded to this incident before, (in fact I may have posted it before, but if I did it was a long time ago and we've a lot of new members since then, so here goes) but this is something that happened when I was 18. For reference, in February I'll be turning 40.

I was living in a 2-story townhouse (rental) with my (jerk*) boyfriend at the time. We received in the mail a HUGE box. Probably nearly a yard to a side, cube shaped. Inside was a metal ship for hanging on the wall that I'd requested from my grandfather's estate when he died. We took the ship out, which spilled quite a few of the hundred billion styrofoam peanuts that were padding it out onto the floor.

We had opened it at the entryway to the house, which was actually right at the top of the stairs--the second floor was below ground, for cooling purposes (this was in Phoenix). We suddenly had this BRILLIANT idea for something that would be fun to do. We discussed it for a moment, came up with no reason not to** and went for it:

We up-ended the box at the top of the stairs and let the aforementioned hundred billion styrofoam peanuts spill out down the stairs. That was phase one of our master plan, the end goal of which was to "sled" down our "snow hill" on a piece of cardboard. It would be fun! So we got a piece of cardboard and took turns sitting on it at the top of the stairs, and then riding it down to the bottom.

To be fair, it was fun. We did it several times each and then the novelty wore off. Ok, done with that; we'll just scoop up the styrofoam peanuts real quick back into the box and get on with our day.

Except that it didn't quite go like that. It's damned hard to pick up styrofoam peanuts off the floor in quantities larger than a handful, and they're so light that even if you use something like a piece of paper or cardboard to try to shovel them, half of them drift or blow back off before you get them back into the box anyway. Plus... we were on the stairs. There was nowhere to put the BOX. We had to carry handfuls of styrofoam up and down the stairs for what seemed like hours. Making it worse was the fact that our sliding down the stairs on top of them had broken many of them up into much smaller and harder to clean up pieces.

The end of the story is that it took us several months to get all of the styrofoam up, (several weeks just to get it to where it wasn't totally obvious) and during that time we had static-cling styrofoam (because it somehow always manages to get statically charged) stuck to everything. Us. Our furniture. The cats. The ferret kept finding it and eating it and then pooping out these styrofoam poops... and at that time we were using a flushable litter so we'd scoop out the poops from the litter box into the toilet and flush them... styrofoam poop doesn't go down the toilet very easily, on account of floating very, very well. (And yes, I realize now that trying to flush styrofoam down the toilet is a very bad idea for the plumbing and the environment and everything else like that but see "**" below regarding that.)

What did I learn, boys and girls? Contain, contain, contain! Whenever something arrives with styrofoam peanuts in it, they immediately go into a plastic bag--every last one of them--which is then tied shut very tightly. We actually have several such bags in our attic for use when we move. I'd rather not use them to pack with, but they're the best thing for certain items--better than bubble wrap or paper--so we keep them for those specific things.

*that isn't important to the story, but you know how sometimes you just have to say something?
**I was 18. He was 21. We were stupid, what can I say?

Happy Holidays! (Anything stupid happen yet?)

mtsmod@gmail.com — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 21:13:18 GMT

I'm not religious, but I celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday. I also acknowledge the winter solstice. And then of course there is New Year's Eve and Day. So happy all of those to you, and in addition, happy [insert religious or secular holiday here]!

To make this post stupid, I'll add this video. Just watch the beginning (after the ad--sorry about the ad) where the delivery guy throws a flat screen tv over a fence:
http://www.inquisitr.com/170692/fedex-driver-throws-flat-screen-tv-over-fence/

(actually the rest of the video is pretty stupid, too, but for other reasons)

Now for the rest... anything stupid happen to you over the holidays yet? If so, let us know about it. If not, don't worry, it will. Come back and share when it does.

So far the only holiday stupidity I've seen was only marginally holiday related: stupid driving taking my son to the airport today*. There was an accident that was totally off the road (not even on the shoulder, so the emergency vehicles were in the shoulder and ALL LANES WERE OPEN and yet traffic crawled to a near-halt as every had to rubberneck their way by checking for body parts and whatnot.

*actually, he drove to the airport himself. I drove the car back home. I can't believe he's old enough for his learner's permit... my god... I'm getting old!!